My daughter has been challenging me since she was 2 years old!  And I thought life was tough then!  She is now  17… I have never felt such sadness and depression any other time in my life.  Some of the things she says to me, I don’t even have an  answer or comeback to!  How do they get so manipulative?  She thinks she knows everything and that I am just a bad/strict/mean mother!  Nobody else’s parents want to know where they are, who they are with, what they are doing, home at curfew,  oh, the list could go on.  It has been going on for y e a r s . . .  I have laid down every punishment.  NOTHING matters to her.  She plays the blame game.  She is never responsible for her actions.  It is ALWAYS my fault. I have cried so many nights.  Now I have almost removed myself from the situation.  I make sure she knows I love her, but she is still so hurtful & hateful when I catch her breaking the rules or lying about something and have to punish her. I try to explain why things are the way they are but she never listens, it is just me being a horrible mother.   I just want some respect and consideration.  I am NOT a strict parent.  I just want her to be safe.

Last night it got so bad between my daughter and I that it became physical and she bit my arm (drew blood).  My poor sweet 8-year-old son witnessed it all.  The only reason she is still in my home is because she has no where else to go, he dad has not contacted her since she was 12 (major part of her problem… abandonment issues), and she babysits when I work 3 nights a week.  But now she has even stopped doing that, leaving my son to his own devices and not even staying home when I am gone! I am at my wit’s end.  She will be 18 in Sept, but still has another year of HS… Ugh! How am I going to do this for another year?

I am at a loss….  I am defeated.

I mean, who am I to think I can break down the brick walls of depression and self deprecation that my teenage daughter has built up over the years?

I’m ONLY her mother.  I’m ONLY the one person on this earth that has tried to protect, love and raise for the last 17 years.  But, according to her I have not done this job correctly.  I have not been there for her. I do not understand her mind and I am the reason for all that is bad in this world.

My heart hurts, my head hurts, my feelings hurt.  She has wounded me mortally.  I am tired of trying.  But, then the nightmare of losing her to suicide jerked me out of sleep this morning, and I realize I am not done… I never will be.

I have tried to save this girl since the day I conceived her.  Her father tried to kill her numerous times, and left me to heal the rubble.  I have kept her safe and loved her through all of her anger, depression, obstinance, disrespect and most unlovable of moods.  She has used me as her punching bag both verbally and physically…. and just like a beat down woman in an abusive marriage, I have returned time and time again for more.

But now it comes down to the choice… do I continue to suffer and put up with this behavior? Or do I save myself and my son and move the girl out?  Counseling is not a choice, unless its to send her to a live in facility.  She has always just told counselors and therapists what they want to hear.  She doesn’t let anyone see her true self, except for me.  I am privileged that way. (((sigh)))

Whats a mother to do?

Now, as for the teenage daughter…  Ugh!

I have so much to write and so much to get off my heart, but I can’t do it right now because the daughter could read it and I don’t want her to take my venting to heart and think she is broken or  weird.  I just need to vent, as a mother.. out of frustration and out of depression of losing the little girl that I have protected from evil for 17 years.

Lots of confusion and hurt feelings these days, but I am so thankful to have the CG to be by my side.   He has turned out to be my biggest fan, and I needed that more than anything in this world!

I love him so much! He is the best!

Honey,  honey,

I can see the stars all the  way from here  Can’t you see the glow on the window pane?  I can feel the  sun whenever you’re near  Every time  you touch me I just melt away   Now everybody asks me why I’m smiling out from ear to ear.  (They say love hurts) But I know (It’s gonna take a little  work)  Nothing’s perfect, but it’s worth it after fighting through my tears And finally…  you put me first Baby it’s  you.  You’re the one I love.  You’re the one I need.  You’re the only one I see.

Come on baby it’s  you. You’re the one that gives your all.  You’re the one I  can always call.  When I need you to make everything stop.  Finally you put my love on top.  Ooo! Come on Baby.  You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.

Baby I can hear the wind whipping past my face As we dance the night away Boy your lips taste like a night of champagne As  I kiss you again and again and again and again…..

Baby baby it’s you.You’re the one that gives your all.  You’re the one that always calls. When I need you everything stops.  Finally you put my love on top…..

True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.

Happiness: is a mental state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.

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It’s very hard to explain… these feelings I have cycling through my brain.  I’m incredibly happy, I am very in love, the kids are doing great, work has been fairly decent lately….  Then why have I been socked in the head by an almost debilitating round of depression?  I am well aware that I am still “manic depressive”.  But I never dreamed it could rule over my life at such a happy time.  I am trying so hard to push past it, to not let it get me down. 

I let the CG in on my struggle the other night, and via text message he said two of the sweetest things I could have ever asked for…  “You can beat it, baby” and “you don’t deserve it”.

You can beat it…  He’s right, I can!  I am older now, I am happy, I have everything in the world I could ever need to push past this and get to living again.  I will beat this and I will NOT let it get me!

I wish this was not a part of me.  I wish so bad my brain was normal and I could process my thoughts and feelings the same way as other people.  I am NOT  going to go all Sylvia Plath on my friends and family right now.. but I am going to push past this and think positive.  No, I don’t deserve this, but this is a hand I have been dealt…  so I might as well get on past it.  I just hope I can slow down the cycling process and not do this very often.  I am so afraid the CG will get sick of it, push me away or leave me if he sees how terribly human I really can be.  It causes problems in relationships, it always has…  Please GOD don’t let it cause him to run!

I have complained of this before.  And I know he is well aware of my frustration.  But Oh How I WISH he would decide to do something about it!

I want to be good to him.  I want to be the best girlfriend ever…  And I usually am.  But tonight I threw a tantrum via text message all because he didn’t want to meet me at my house for a roll in the hay after work.

It makes me feel so unattractive when he turns me down.  It makes me question his feelings towards me and my body.  I know I shouldn’t think that way, but the female brain is a vicious, terrible animal.  If it doesn’t have someone else to devour and shred… well, it will turn on the woman inside and devour her, thought by thought.

I know we will have a glorious weekend in a month.  But its hard to think that far ahead, especially with this raging beast of hormones roaring in my head.  (((deep sigh)))

He seems to be just as excited, seeing as he ran, I mean literally RAN to H. R. Block to claim his Income Tax refund so that reservations could be made! LOL  He gave me his credit card and told me to “do what I need to secure our room!”   I have never in my life heard those sweet little words from anyone! I would never abuse his trust in me…  but I sure wish I could use the card to buy something a little naughty to wear for him! LOL

I can’t even explain the change that has taken place between us over the past few weeks.  It’s like there has been a complete breakdown of any walls between us and now we are just enjoying a nice, peaceful, warm love.  Like we stepped into a peaceful valley that is all our own.  With a deep sigh of contentment I enjoy a (finally) quiet mind.  I am secure in knowing that he is happy to be with me, and that he is realizing that I would never want to hurt or change him.  I know he has been just as hurt in the past as I have and I am cautious to make any sudden moves.  Don’t want to send the little fella tearing off back into the dark woods to hide! LOL

I hope and pray this trip will do nothing but just strengthen our relationship and show him how much he really does love me as much as I love him…. if that’s even possible!

It seems that these memories have come flooding back more often, since the Cable Guy and I have become happier.  Could there be a correlation between the two?  Am I feeling safe enough in my heart to revisit some memories and then put them away for good?  Am I just realizing the similarity because the Cable Guy would never put me through these tough, violent situations?  Why now? What purpose does this serve to go back into my painful history and visit?

Let me elaborate on one particular memory that happened to slap me upside the head this morning.

A patient came into the ER at 21 weeks pregnant because her husband ran over her with his car.  According to her, he was trying to get “rid” of the baby because he didn’t belive it was his.  (He has two sons from his first marriage… this baby is a girl).  So, what does any nice, West Texas boy do? He gets drunk and runs over his wife with his Ford Taurus.  Luckily he missed her belly and the baby will be ok.  The mom, on the other hand, was a complete wreck.  Now she has to decide if she will go back in to that situation.  Will she go to a women’s shelter and press charges?  She is all alone in this town and has nowhere to turn.  Who ends up consoling her and listening to her go on and on about the abuse?  Yup, good ole’ me.

I had a sympathetic ear and a connection to her ,you see, my husband tried to kill my baby 17 years ago.  No, he didn’t run over me with the car, albeit he would have if he had the chance! No, he didn’t use the car, but he did throw me around, hit me, punch me in the belly, kidnap me and take me to the local cemetery to stab me and leave me for dead. …….

But I digress.  What I mean to say, is I too was a victim of spousal abuse.  I to know the betrayal one feels when the one that vows to love you forever and ever decides he is tired of you and would really rather kill you than see you in the mornings with your glasses on.  It’s a horrible realization that your husband wants to kill you, or even hurt you…. when all you wanted to do was make things perfect and happy.

I have come a very long way in my recovery.  My healing has taken well over 17 years now.  I have even had short periods of actual forgiveness and even timid friendship with him…. at least to the point of getting along for the “daughters sake”.  It only lasted a few years, since he decided to disappear as soon as she turned 12.  Then the feelings of betrayal and abandonment resurfaced with a vengeance.

17 years….   17 years it has taken me to fully trust and love a man with my whole heart.  It’s almost like I am a wild animal, finally learning to trust the timid, gentle hand that has fed me and petted me consistently.  The CG has done this for me.  He has treated my tender, scared heart with kid gloves…. just like it needs.  I, in return, have done the same for his heart which is also bruised and scared.  I really feel we are good together in so many ways.

I hope this poor mother finds that kind of love and tenderness somewhere in her future. I hope she to can heal and discover the kind of love that I have discovered.  I pray she doesn’t return to this S.O.B. and end up hurt, killed or lose a child to him!  But we all have to learn in this life… that’s the whole reason we are here isn’t it? To learn? I hope my hard lessons are just about over and from here on out I will learn with my CG by my side.

While cleaning house today I was jolted back to the month of January 2006.  When I was still prone to crying jags in my car, while driving around stalking the Cable Guy and his new girlfriend… It was an awful time in my life.  But if I had a prayer at all… it was to the song and lyrics of Alison Krause’s song “I Will”.   When I heard it again today, after all this time, I realize this is still my prayer for us.  Whether we stay together forever… or he checks out on me again, I will still always love him.

For you Cable Guy…..     I Will.

“I Will”

Who knows how long I’ve loved you?
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime?
If you want me to, I will

For (and) if I ever saw you
I didn’t catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same

Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we’re together
Love you when we’re apart

And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For (and) the things you do endear you to me
You know I will

I will

Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we’re together
Love you when we’re apart

And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For (and) the things you do endear you to me
Oh, you know I will