What’s wrong? Why are you crying?

Because I am the saddest person you’ve ever met.


I need to feel alive! To feel my soul expand with the brush of flames against my skin. I need to feel consumed, enveloped in pleasure and explored. Savor my skin with your kisses and devour my lust with your touch. I need to feel beautiful, my skin hot beneath your breath, to feel desired by your soul and an ache in your depths.


Pay Attention To Me!!! I silently scream in my head, expecting him to hear and come running. To save me from my self, my self inflicted pain, my self imposed torture. How dare he not notice the sadness in my eyes, the shudder in my voice? What’s wrong, he asked me… nothing, I’m fine.

“i am unstable, sometimes melancholy, and have been called on some occasions imperious; but i never did an ungenerous act in my life. i sympathise warmly with others, and have wasted my heart in their love”

-mary Shelly

Dark waters

Every once in a while I must dip my toes into the dark waters of the deep end. To feel the thrill of the cold liquid on my flesh, the kiss of a new sensation. I touch gently at first, for I fear the pull of the water. If I fall in, i am at its mercy, a mere blameless victim. But if I dive in head first, I’m a monster.

Strange Days…

I wrote this in the summer of 2011.. Right after Nick and I got bac together… It still means alot to me. 🙂


Strang Days…

For a long time I did not think I would ever be ok without you.  I was afraid my heart would walk around in my shoes for the rest of my life. I was scared to touch another man for fear of bursting into a million pieces and losing myself completely. My heart burned for you for many years. I yearned for you to the point of insanity. I said and did things I would never have normally done, just to feel again. The bitterness wept from my pores and into the souls of those around me. It aged me faster than time itself…..  and then, suddenly, like lightning, you are here….  Back in my life. Smiling and caring for me as if time, pain, circumstance and rejection had never happened.  I welcomed you back with open arms. I embraced the newness and the memories.  I was happy to taste the familiar salt of your skin on my tongue… drink your awkward guilt…devour your lust.. all in a matter of seconds. The bad moments covered over instantly as if they were never there.  Had never happened, and never been said.

Five years of suffering finally over. Faster than a blink we were lovers again!  I never thought I would feel whole, now here I am. Whole but terrified.  Will you do it again? Will you find fault with me again?  I am even more tainted and tarnished than the girl you left behind!  This woman of regret and anguish. I am not an innocent, I am still me, but five years more bitter… stronger, harder…. and five years wiser. 

To lose you, find you and then lose you again would be the end of this girlish heart of mine. Do I trust enough to try?

Dear Ruth Emmie Lang…

How did you know?  How did you crawl inside my head and pull out thoughts and feelings I had at 9 years old? How did you know exactly how I really felt about my mother?

How did you write the book that has been in MY head for all these years?  How did you know? How did we connect without ever meeting?

How did you rummage through and find my deepest darkest feelings and manage to write them down verbatim?

I really don’t know how you did it but I think I am glad you did… I think its beautiful and painful and lovely and horrid to see those words on paper for all to see… I think you are a genius… I think you may be my sister.


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