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Archive for February, 2011

(Taken from an old blog 2-2-09)

The crushing blow of rejection hits.

Every single time it rips a new hole in my chest. Leaving a gapping wound and searing pain. I feel like eveyone that looks at me can see the pain and disappointment of life in my eyes. Like everyone can smell it radiating off my clothes and hair, like the rot of death.They turn there heads and try to not notice this raw, crying girl. This empty, sad thing.It makes people uncomfortable to see that I am not alive, not breathing… just existing. Just getting through the days for the sake of my children. Just going to work so we can eat.Just playing by the rules.Life is not over yet! I am only 34! This can’t be all there is to life? To the story of ME! Surely there is a happiness somewhere! I am suffocating! I can’t breath with this heaviness in my chest. Every smile is forced, sobs exscape even in laughter. I am no longer the girl I used to be. I am old, sarcastic, tired, used, fat, poor, lonely, bitter, UGLY. I can’t even see the beauty in my world anymore! I know its there.. but like a blind man, I only aware.. …just still not “seeing”.Sure, there are lots of people out there that have it alot worse than I do…. but most of those people haven’t TRIED so HARD to be what I so casually threw away! So casually never admitted to! Regrets…. I had looks, and beauty, money and time. Talent and energy.. and all I have left is a shell… a Damn SHELL!This is not a pain brought on by one particular event… it is a pain that has been there, it is enHanced by the hatred for a few bosses and things some people do, my struggle with single motherhood, my wallowing in self-pity and how POOR I am, fear… fear of losing parents or children. And being So empty from lonliness for friendship… for relationships that bring health and fullness to me. The pain washes in waves. Sometimes I am drowning, sometimes I am just wading at the edge. My children seem to be my life vests… my little bouys in this vast sea. I have clung to them today, and relife has come to me finally, for a moment. The pain of rejection, the pain of not being wanted… it is all I have sometimes…. it is all my mind has to draw on.. So I will go on…Iprepare for yet another day, another day of propelling my sluggish fat body through the day to day tasks….dispair nipping at my heels all the while… ready to take me back under….

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