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Archive for April, 2011

Sept 2008

While going through photo album after photo album, looking for pictures for my daughters school project, I have come across numerous pictures and memories that I had forgotten about for a VERY long time.

Some memories were sweet and wonderful, some memories dark and scary. I had some ..’Oh man, why did I ever do that..’ moments, and alot of ..’If I could do it differently now… ..’ moments.

The main thing I see, through all of these pictures, is the change in me. Not just my weight and face, but in my personality and outlook on life. So many things changed through the years.

I went from the wide-eyed pretty girl with soft eyes and great abs of 18, to a hard looking smart-ass with blond hair and huge boobs in my 20..’s. And we don..’t even want to discuss what I look like now! LOL

You know, though, most of the transformations were due to the person I was dating or trying to date at that time… I have always been a camellion of sorts, I change with the people around me, always trying to fit in and be accepted. Never really wanting to stand out, but never wanting to be the SAME.

I suppose in a sad way, I owe a Thank You to all those men of my past that have helped me grow into the more confident and level headed woman I am today… so in the spirit of dredging up the past, here are a few shout outs to the Ghosts and Demons of my past:

* * * * *

1. Dale- Thank you for getting me out into the world. If it hadn’t been for marrying you, I probably would be a fridged, suppresed, closed minded, preachers wife. I would not have survived without your hard lessons and your abuse. That is how I became strong! That is how I became a good mom. And that is how I learned the true value of my parents and their wisdom and love. Thank you for my daughter. She may be alot like you, but she is also alot like me… and she hates you as much as I do! Thank You! You did that all on your own! I never had to say a thing!

2. V- You pulled me out of the fire and saved my spirit. You helped me see there was more to me than just a bad marriage. You made me feel beautiful in a time I felt my ugliest. Our relationship may have been taboo, but I loved you with a feirceness that no one will ever understand. You saved me. Thank you! Rest in peace my friend, I miss you!

3. J- 5 years…. Five years of lessons put into one paragraph. How can I ever say Thank you enough? For putting up with me, for loving me, for hating me, for helping me through all the court drama, for teaching me to be a farmers helper. For showing me the beauty of the Texas Panhandle, and the ugliness of betrayal. Thank you for NOT marrying me like I thought I wanted you to… and how I hate you for not picking ME! Our relationship was based on whim and chance, physical and mental torment ran rampant, And I discovered how ..’crazy..’ love can be.

4. D- Youu taught me that I was cool, that I could have a friend and still be my own person. You were my first ..’friend with benifits..’ and it was awesome! Thank you! You were a good friend, and I miss you.

5. Baby Donor- Thank you for my sweet, sweet little son! You are an ass hole, but he… is perfect! Thank you!

6. N- You were the first stable and calm relationship I had ever had, in My LIFE! You were so comfortable. You were my best friend. You taught me that I am still sexy, even in this fat suit I aquired after having Owen, and that I am still worth the time and patience in bed, and in life. You loved my tiny feet and hands, and allowed me to love your son as my own. I never saw the break up coming, I was so happy with where we were… I suppose I was so distraught that I closed all doors of possibility.. but you were my ideal, my comfort zone.. and SHE was not what I wanted for you… and especially not for my Brock. I’m sorry she hurt you, I’m sorry you hurt me…. I wish we could talk again… OH how I wish we could talk again…. But that is probably never a possibility. Thank you! You taught me to love again. And I still do.

7. R- You pushed and pushed and pushed… you taught me to push back. I pushed back at you, my children, the world… and now I am the strong level-headed woman that I have wanted to be all along. You helped me break through the wall, now I know what I want. Thank you.. you crazy SOB!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

There have been so many other men mixed throughout these main few.. the lessons they have taught may be a big one in self-confidence, a lesson in boundries, do unto others…. and the preciousness of fidelity. I have learned what its like to be the other woman, and how it feels to be cheated on. I have been the lier, and the lied to. I have been called beautiful, and ugly. I have learned that I am smart, funny, dumb and crazy…. But the ride has been worth it, for the most part….

So heres to the ghosts and demons of the past, the teachers and the runners… and to the wonderful men of my present and future. Thank you all! You have made me what I am today! Without these lessons, I am scared to think where I would be today!

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June 2008

He loves to pretend to be a super hero. He dresses and acts like them all day long.

He likes to stroke the soft skin on my arm while he settles in for the night.

He has the kindest, sparkly grey eyes, that hold so much emotion and depth.

He walks with the swagger of a man years older, and has an infectious laugh.

He cries when I cry, the pain is so great; and he has a wicked sense of humor.

He loves the outdoors and the sun on his face, and a nice quiet day on the couch.

He wants me to marry him, to be his mom/wife, he wants to make me happy all of our life.

He is the best little boy in the entire world, but I suppose you will never know.

You can glance from affar and risk a slight touch, but to speak would be too much.

You care for the children you live with and coach, but to admit he’s you son is just not in the plan.

You will never meet this special little man, You will never be hugged by the best.

I made a different choice for my path, and I get to share it with the boy of my dreams.

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