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Archive for July, 2011

I will make no excuses, I know for a fact that I am a recovering sex addict.

I was really, really into my addiction in my 20’s.  During this time I was a mistress to several men, and just a casual fling to many others.  I allowed myself to be used and discarded and never really gave it much thought.  I was numb to the whole thing.  My longest relationship of my adult life was to J, an emotionally unavailable man who would take “acceptable” women out on real dates then come to my house the same night to fuck me.  I loved it, the tortuous way it made me feel to wonder if he would come to me, to hear him make fun of these “perfect” girls, the way he would go down on me while their goodnight kisses were still fresh on his lips.  It was overwhelming the sense of power it gave me.

But then J married one of them.  He chose a chubby, Italian girl with three kids.  He said she was his “perfect match”.  He said this when we were laying in bed one Sunday morning.  I cried, we said our good-byes, and that was that.  Or so I thought, two weeks later I discovered I was pregnant.

Because of the loss of that baby, and  J, I sort of went off the deep end and got even more into my need for non-emotional sex.  I would go out on weekends that my daughter was gone and go “dancing” with my girlfriends… little did they know I was sneaking out to the parking lot with various men to either fuck or suck them.  I was an unpaid whore, my payment was power. (I totally get the whole vampire thing! The feeling of power you get after draining someone of their “life”… anyways.)

After the birth of my son, the result of another very physical affair with a married man, I calmed down alot.  It was like a switch was thrown in my brain that turned me into this sad, blubbering, insecure, cow.  I was ashamed of how much weight I had gained during the pregnancy, I was unhappy with my station in life, I was exhausted…. it all happened at once.  During this time  I met the Cable Guy.

I instantly went into being a “girlfriend”.  I had never really been a tried and true girlfriend before.  I didn’t know how to be a “real” girlfriend.  I didn’t know how to act like a girlfriend.  I certainly didn’t want to mess it up, so I didn’t talk to ANY other men. I became very anti-social, very dependant on CG for my outside connections.  I was a stay-at-home mom and I had no other connection to the outside world.  He became my everything.  I did everything I could to make him happy.  I went above and beyond the call of duty to keep him.  He was patient and kind, but at times distant.  I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong.  The more he pulled away the harder I worked, until one day.. it all snapped.  He had found another.

My first impulse was to go right back into the world of addiction that I felt more comfortable in, but it was much harder to do this since I still had issues with my weight and a young baby that was so needy and very ill.  I tried to go out, I became a FWB to another emotionally distant man, and I threw myself into a relationship with a little, mean, man who would soon break me of any want for a man.

But here I am. I have made it back to me.  I have reconnected with my CG.  And I find myself once again working hard to be the very best girlfriend in the world.  But that’s just it, he is not really in need of a girlfriend.  We both want a companion from time to time, neither of us have time for a 24/7 relationship.  I am finding myself with feelings of inadequacy, of wanting to do more and more to make him happy.  But who says he’s not happy?  Certainly not him.

And I am still obsessed with sex.  I think it’s just in my head that the only way to keep CG happy is to try to prove to him how much he turns me on.  I am constantly begging for sex, talking about sex, asking about sex, looking for my next fix.  I am sure it is just resulting in pushing him further away, because he is not a sex addict.  He is not even as into sex as much as many guys, he is happy with once a month.  How do I find the happy medium and still sate my ravenous appetite?  How do I turn off my mistress mind and turn on my calm stable girlfriend brain?  How do I overcome my sex addiction and not mess up the best relationship of my life?  I am terrified that I may be a better mistress than I am a girlfriend. And if this is the case…. I fear I will never become a wife.

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I have kept my heart closed. From the moment you said “goodbye” until the moment you
said “hello” again.  I kept my heart closed off and safe.  Oh, I tried to love
other people. I tried to heal and move on, only to wake from dreams of you;
tears pouring down my face and my heart on fire with the longing to see you
again.

One of the biggest arguments I had with my last boyfriend was
his accusations of me not ever being able to “open my heart, and allow myself to
love him”.

“Love me! Love Me!” He would cry… Begging me to say “I
love you” and cursing me when I wouldn’t.  But I could not feel love.
I felt nothing in my chest for that little man. He didn’t get me!  He didn’t smile at me
like I was the most beautiful woman in the room.  He didn’t laugh at all my
silly banter and play back with me. He did not love my children.   I was not happy with him.   No matter how hard I tried I was never happy with anyone else……  but you.

When will I get the nerve to tell you “I Love You?”

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For a long time I did not think I would ever be ok without you.  I was afraid my heart would walk around
in my shoes for the rest of my life.  I was scared to touch another man for fear
of bursting into a million pieces and losing myself completely.  My heart
burned for you for many years. I yearned for you to the point of insanity. I
said and did things I would never have normally done,  just to feel again.   The
bitterness wept from my pores and into the souls of those around me.   It aged me
faster than time itself…..  and then, suddenly, like lightning you are
here….  Back in my life. Smiling and caring for me as if time, pain,
circumstance and rejection had never happened.

I welcomed you back with open arms. I embraced the newness and the memories.  I was happy to taste the
familiar salt of your skin on my tongue… drink your awkward guilt…devour your
lust.. all in a matter of seconds.  The bad moments covered over instantly as if they were never there.  Had never happened, and never been said.

Five years of suffering finally over. Faster than a blink we were lovers again!  I never thought I would feel whole, now here I am. Whole but terrified.  Will you do it again?   Will you find fault with me again?  I am even more tainted and tarnished
than the girl you left behind!  This woman of regret and anguish. I am not an innocent, I am still me, but five years more bitter… stronger and harder…. and five years wiser.
To lose you, find you and then lose you again would be the end of this girlish heart of mine.  Do I trust enough
to try?

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Mean Girls

Remember the girls in Jr. High that sat in the back of the bus on the way to various school events.  Remember how they sat in a clump back there, doing each others nails and make-up…. singing the words to every hair band ballad, and making fun of you or your friends because….. well basically, because you weren’t one of THEM?  Well, I have discovered what has become of those mean girls..  they work as nurses in Labor and Delivery.

They are mean, hateful, wenches that still sit in a clump, but usually at the front desk.  Texting, singing country music ballads and making fun of me because, basically because I am not a nurse… and I am still too new to the floor for them to bother being nice to.

They talk in high little baby voices.  Bitch and moan about having to work.  Make fun of their patients. Make fun of each other.  Talk mean to each other….. then laugh hysterically. Its crazy how immature these middle aged women can be!

Tonight I had just about enough and had to get away for a moment, I was walking away from the desk and heard the oldest of the bunch (a mean-spirited, 50 year-old tomboy that everyone plays up to because they are scared of her) say, “she is so weird! Did you know she is a blogger? Weird!” LOL  I was thrown right back into Jr. High where I was made fun of for doing Ballet instead of the popular girls choice of Basketball and volleyball….  Yep, they never change… except to just get meaner and wayyyy better at it. 😦

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He invited me over that first night, after having had MANY texts and Facebook conversations about the lack of sex we were having, with the simple phrase of…. “so, you want to be Friends With benefits?”  Of course I said “yes” immediately and drove the 12 minutes to his house.  I hadn’t even seen him since December of 2006… but there I was, freshly shaved and ready for some well needed sex.  We chatted for a few minutes, then without warning he leaned over and started kissing me. We immediately went to his bedroom and had some fabulous, if not a little weird and dej-a-vouish, sex.

I left feeling happy and satisfied, ready for this new chapter in my life. Ready for the man I had missed sooooo very much to be back in my life.  We saw each other a few weeks later…. then again  a few weeks later and so it began….. our every few weeks relationship.  Only, we weren’t having sex every time we saw each other.

Oh, I was ready each time. I was more than ready.  He is soooo good at knowing what I want. So good at knowing how to please me. It leaves me crac=ving more and more.  But he kept putting me off.  “I’m so tired’, “It’s too hot”, “I don’t feel like it”, I made the comment one night that I feel like the guy in this relationship.

I guess one of the things that bothers me most, is the fact that when our relationship ended 5 years ago… it was because he had chosen to date somebody else.  No, he never cheated, and I belive him on that one, but he had kissed her, and unbenounced to me… after he kissed her, he didn’t want to even hug me because he thought it would “lead me on” and he didn’t want to hurt me more.  Sweet, in a way… but not really what you want to have floating around in the back of your head when he is once again not in the “mood”.

I have asked him about it, and he has a legitimate argument that he has never had a very high libido, and that his job is very stressful and very physically demanding, which it is…. but I still want to be close to him.  Share that intimacy… be his benefit 🙂  I told him tonight that without the sex and with all the talking and time we spend together I might as well be his girlfriend instead of his Friend With benefits.. Ha!

I have invited him over in the morning for a cuddle after my night shift… he said he doesn’t wake up in the “mood”…. we shall see if he shows up, I left it up to him.  I’m not holding my breath.

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The Suit…

(Posted originally Feb 8, 2008 on old blog…)

The Suit……….

She tried him on like a well worn suit,

the sleeves upon her raw, chapped skin;

the fit was snug but soothed her soul,

the suit fit fine, or so she thought.

As time passed she grew in strength and size,

but growing was not what the suit had in mind;

it would not stretch to fit her needs,

but held her back to fit his own.

She tried to layer, to wash and change

the suit to fit her size,

the suit refused to change its ways,

the matrial grew rough the sleeves confined,

it only grew smaller and smothered her frame.

she finally tried to break free from the grasp

to only discover the threads were heavy,

entwining her like a jacket of dread,

pulling her under and clouding her head.

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