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Archive for August, 2011

I want to write.

I want to tell you all every detail of what is going on in my life.

But my concentration is not there.

I cant even seem to focus on cleaning the damn house!

I am depressed, exhausted, distracted and jumbled.

I dont even feel like the Cable Guy wants to be around me. 😦

Idon’t know if I want the new job I just applied for.

I dont know WHAT I want!

Im so confused!  All I want to do is sleep, and yet when I sleep I feel guilty because there are sooooo many more things I should be doing! 😦

Sorry, I’m just kind of a mess right now.

 

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You come on like a drug, I just can’t get enough. I’m like an addict coming
at you for a little more. And there’s so much at stake, I can’t afford to wait.
I never needed anybody like this before – Garbage

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In view of the happenings at work this past year, and more lately  the past week, I have taken a look back to see where the major problem may lie.  Is it with me? Is it the people I work with? Work for…. What IS the real core of the problem with my job?

In my looking, I have had some very interesting and enlightening conversations with my co-workers and my boyfriend.  One co-worker suggested I just tell them all to “Fuck-Off and Die.”  No matter how tempting that may be, I could never bring myself to utter those words and keep a straight face or not apologize profusely the moment I said them.  Nope, not an option.  Other co-workers and BF have told me to just “get out” find another job and  get away from the whole mess.  I tend to agree with that solution, but finding another job right now is a little harder what with the economy  how it is, and the fact that I live in a very small town with only one other L&D and  only 3 other surgery sites available, with no openings right now.  Hummmmm…. I can try, but in the mean time I have to continue to work at the present hell hole.  Can’t have my children starving!

Well, so when a co-worker called tonight to plead with me not to go (even though I rarely work with her) I felt all warm and fuzzy inside to know that she values me as a co-worker and thinks I am doing a great job!  I felt allllll warm and fuzzy, until she elaborated on what some of the day shift nurses have said about me.  I know, I know I shouldn’t worry about idle gossip, but it truly eats at me when people say mean things about me  because I am one of those rare individuals that actually gives a damn and tries to make sure EVERYBODY and their dogs, grandparents and FaceBook friends like me!

She went on to explain that I am being called a gossip and a “pot stirrer”.     A pot stirrer.    Now to me, the only POT I have stirred, at work, has been my own.  I get yelled at by the boss, I’m gonna tell my friend that witnessed the incident in which I was being accused of.  I get made fun of at work by, said, mean girls; I’m gonna tell the Cable Guy because he always makes me feel better.  I don’t make up stories and I don’t spread gossip.  I actually end up looking more like a dumb ass than the ones that are being mean.  So how do I end up being called the “pot stirrer?”   I truly do NOT talk much at work, I help out and I walk on egg shells to prove how much I WANT this job and that I really am an asset to the L & D floor!

I know what you’re going to say; keep my mouth shut at work and just do my job.  Dont listen to what those other women say, and don’t repeat anything I hear.  I know it all, I have heard it all… but can I actually do it? I’m so, so , soooooo tired of all the fighting and clawing at this job.  Am I really to blame for the terrible way I have been treated?  Am I really the “pot stirrer?”

Dang, I should just work from home.  Then I could be a real pot stirrer!  I could stir a pot of beans, pot of stew, pot of spaghetti…….

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So I have alot going on right now, and I am extremely tired and very VERY stressed out.

I may be about to change career paths.  I have posted before about the “mean girl” but that does not even begin to explain the bosses at this stupid hospital.  I don’t want to get into it right now, but I don’t think I will be here much longer.  I have given my all to the L&D floor for the past year, and have not had anything but negativity come from the higher-ups.  I’m DONE 😦

On a much happier note, I get to see the Cable Guy tonight! 🙂  It is a forced date, on my part… but Hey! It’s a date! AND after 6 weeks of waiting.. I finally get sex again! 🙂

Wish me luck! 🙂

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Burning….

I didn’t mean to touch.

 

Really I didn’t…..

 

I had arranged my invisibility comfortably around me and was melting into my corner. The only way you could sense me was from my radiating disquiet.

 

I didn’t mean to touch.

 

But I had been longing to…

 

So I brushed against him.

 

And the spark that leapt to my skin was a solar flare.

 

I stared in disbelief as it smouldered on my skin, spreading like a slow burn. I looked up and saw him looking back. He could see. He was watching me materialise, my outline flickering into being. The blue of his eyes reflecting back the flame that consumed me.

 

I was dry. Bone dry. It wouldn’t take much to consume me. spreading like a wildfire.

But this was no cleansing fire. No, this was a slow, torturous glow. Its insidious tongues licked their way up my arms, up my shoulders, up my neck and spine; I had no choice but to surrender.

 

It had grown quiet. Or maybe it was just the crackling in my ears that drowned out all other sound. I was an inferno. A slow, contained inferno. All I could see of him was his eyes, glittering in the dark.

 

Transfixed.

 

What was I to do? I could not hold off the inevitable. I didn’t want to anymore. So I closed my eyes and gave in completely.  Savoring the comfort of the embers burning between us.

 

Later, it was said the column of fire left an indelible mark on the ceiling. It was said the flames went everywhere at once. But all of that is mere legend.

 

In truth, he reached out a hand, gathered the puddle of me into his palm and tucked me safely away.

 

But still, I must say this:

 

I didn’t mean to touch.

 

Again….

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