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Archive for February, 2012

Short but Update…

Daughter has now been placed in treatment center. Been an awful few days, but she is starting to feel better and is more accepting to the help she is receiving. Between the new meds and the therapy, I am praying things will be better soon. I just wish I could feel less empty inside.

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Drama

Have never felt so completely and utterly helpless.  Thinking of sending the daughter to a residential treatment center for troubled girls.  She has such anger towards me. and is telling the most horrible lies! 😦  I want to tell the CG everything, but what if the drama pushes him away? I’m so lost and alone right now. 😦

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More Parenting Fun….

 

My daughter has been challenging me since she was 2 years old!  And I thought life was tough then!  She is now  17… I have never felt such sadness and depression any other time in my life.  Some of the things she says to me, I don’t even have an  answer or comeback to!  How do they get so manipulative?  She thinks she knows everything and that I am just a bad/strict/mean mother!  Nobody else’s parents want to know where they are, who they are with, what they are doing, home at curfew,  oh, the list could go on.  It has been going on for y e a r s . . .  I have laid down every punishment.  NOTHING matters to her.  She plays the blame game.  She is never responsible for her actions.  It is ALWAYS my fault. I have cried so many nights.  Now I have almost removed myself from the situation.  I make sure she knows I love her, but she is still so hurtful & hateful when I catch her breaking the rules or lying about something and have to punish her. I try to explain why things are the way they are but she never listens, it is just me being a horrible mother.   I just want some respect and consideration.  I am NOT a strict parent.  I just want her to be safe.

Last night it got so bad between my daughter and I that it became physical and she bit my arm (drew blood).  My poor sweet 8-year-old son witnessed it all.  The only reason she is still in my home is because she has no where else to go, he dad has not contacted her since she was 12 (major part of her problem… abandonment issues), and she babysits when I work 3 nights a week.  But now she has even stopped doing that, leaving my son to his own devices and not even staying home when I am gone! I am at my wit’s end.  She will be 18 in Sept, but still has another year of HS… Ugh! How am I going to do this for another year?

I am at a loss….  I am defeated.

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Spoiled….

My libido once again has reared its ugly head and almost broke through my cover.  It almost caused a dispute between me and my wonderful, sweet Cable Guy.  I look at him puzzled, I really do not see his reasoning sometimes.  I don’t understand his control and self-restraint.  It floors me that he can resist me…  but yet I also love him enough to try not to fight him.  I try, try, try to see why he resists.  He is usually very practical in his logic….  (kids awake in the next room, on call phone may ring, worked all day in cold/heat/rain) but when I do not understand, he tends to deem me as being “spoiled”.  It may be a true and correct word to label me with..  but this spoiled girl know what she wants, and what she wanted tonight was a good cuddle and a little risqué rubbing and kissing session with her fella.

I didn’t get any Valentine sex…. He was sick.  So I have had to wait.  Ugh..  He is denying me my drug… my fix… my help and comfort! Now it looks like I will have to wait until our weekend getaway in two weeks.  I am excited for our trip.. I really am…  But I am not kidding myself, there will most likely only be the two sessions… in our room, in the bed…  Spontanious sex and multiple times will not be something I will ever expect from my CG..

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Really, Who am I kidding? Certainly not myself!

I mean, who am I to think I can break down the brick walls of depression and self deprecation that my teenage daughter has built up over the years?

I’m ONLY her mother.  I’m ONLY the one person on this earth that has tried to protect, love and raise for the last 17 years.  But, according to her I have not done this job correctly.  I have not been there for her. I do not understand her mind and I am the reason for all that is bad in this world.

My heart hurts, my head hurts, my feelings hurt.  She has wounded me mortally.  I am tired of trying.  But, then the nightmare of losing her to suicide jerked me out of sleep this morning, and I realize I am not done… I never will be.

I have tried to save this girl since the day I conceived her.  Her father tried to kill her numerous times, and left me to heal the rubble.  I have kept her safe and loved her through all of her anger, depression, obstinance, disrespect and most unlovable of moods.  She has used me as her punching bag both verbally and physically…. and just like a beat down woman in an abusive marriage, I have returned time and time again for more.

But now it comes down to the choice… do I continue to suffer and put up with this behavior? Or do I save myself and my son and move the girl out?  Counseling is not a choice, unless its to send her to a live in facility.  She has always just told counselors and therapists what they want to hear.  She doesn’t let anyone see her true self, except for me.  I am privileged that way. (((sigh)))

Whats a mother to do?

 

 

 

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Happy Girl…

It’s soooo very nice to finally have a happy heart!  To not have tears ready to release at any moment due to confusion or loneliness.  The CG has turned out to be the most patient, kind, funny and perfect partner for me.  I am sooo happy and in love.  My mind is finally quiet, in that area.

Now, as for the teenage daughter…  Ugh!

I have so much to write and so much to get off my heart, but I can’t do it right now because the daughter could read it and I don’t want her to take my venting to heart and think she is broken or  weird.  I just need to vent, as a mother.. out of frustration and out of depression of losing the little girl that I have protected from evil for 17 years.

Lots of confusion and hurt feelings these days, but I am so thankful to have the CG to be by my side. 🙂  He has turned out to be my biggest fan, and I needed that more than anything in this world!

I love him so much! He is the best! 🙂

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