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Archive for July, 2012

Wilted

Lonliness and heartbreak can make you feel as withered and wilted as a flower lacking water.

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Old Poem…

I found this in my bedside table drawer today, I have no idea when I wrote it.. but I figure it was about two years ago when I was just starting to talk to the Cable Guy again, after a 5 year breakup period.  Anyways, I think it’s pretty good… still kinda means a lot to me after all this time and “comfort level”.

 

What are you waiting for, my love?

Could the door be anymore open?

All ou have to do is step through,

I would do the rest.

Let me cloak you in my hair,

electric kisses on your skin.

My love surrounds you like a shawl.

You just have to give up,

that which makes you leery,

the nonsense in your head,

the stench of the past.

Stop waiting for a sign….

the sign is me being strong enough to show you-

to tell you my heart.

What are you waiting for, My Love?

Stop wasting time,

I am here!

I am Now.

RS

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(Just thinking of my daughter today, wherever she might be…)

 

Now that I’ve lost everything to you,

you say you want to start something new,

and it’s breaking my heart you’re leaving,

baby I’m grieving.

 
But if you wanna leave take good care,

hope you have a lot of nice things to wear,

but then a lot of nice things turn bad out there.
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world,

it’s hard to get by just upon a smile.

Oh baby baby it’s a wild world.
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl.

 

You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do,

and it’s breaking my heart in two,

cause I never want to see you sad girl,

don’t be a bad girl,

but if you want to leave take good care,

hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,

but just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware,

beware,

 
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world,

it’s hard to get by just upon a smile

Oh baby baby it’s a wild world,

and I’ll always remember you like a child, girl.
Baby I love you,

but if you wanna leave take good care,

hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,

but just remember there’s a lot of bad,

and beware, beware,
oh baby baby it’s a wild world,

it’s hard to get by just upon a smile.

Oh baby baby it’s a wild world,

and I’ll always remember you like a child, girl.

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 “Stories you read when you’re the right age never quite leave you. You may forget who wrote them or what the story was called. Sometimes you’ll forget precisely what happened, but if a story touches you it will stay with you, haunting the places in your mind that you rarely ever visit.” Neil Gaiman

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I am lacking.

I am lacking in the “passion department”.  I know it is just the depression and grief from my daughter leaving (against my will).  I know it is the indifference of the over worked Cable Guy.  I know it’s due to the lack of money from a job that barely even uses me as a warm body and to where I am subjected daily to mean-spirited women.

I am lacking in things other than just passion, though.  I am also lacking in energy, smiles, creativity and sleep!

I fear the effect this will have on my sweet little son.  I fear the effect this will have on my will to write.  I have been depressed before, but I have never had the reasons just keep raining down on my head like this!  I have had one after another for several years… once long ago during a very dark time in my life.  However, since my little SONshine has arrived I have had very few dark days.

I keep trying to focus on the positive.  I try to focus on my plan for the Seattle trip.  I try to focus on the peacefulness on having the daughter gone, no more fighting and tension filled air.  I try to focus on the fact that my Cable Guy, however “complacent” I consider him… is also steadfast and comforting in his safety and kindness.  I need to stay focused on these things.

I also have the best little man in the whole world.  With a fierce love for his momma, and a “wise beyond his years” advise almost daily.  He really is my special little gift.  I can’t wait to travel with him and write down his funny little thoughts and sayings. 🙂

Here is a quote I found today on The Great Discontent.  A website dedicated to artists.  This is a quote that I see my past self in.  This is a quote that, kind of, Woke me up…. Now this… is a quote worth putting on your bathroom mirror!

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’”

— Jack Kerouac, On the Road

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The Jig is Up!

So my mother found out about my planning a road trip to Seattle.  Actually, my son is the one with the big mouth… I just had to laugh it off as a “maybe we can sometime next year” kind of thing.  You see, I may be 38 years old and lived on my own since I was 18, but my mother is still the deciding factor in most  every major decision I make.  She is the type of person that does not make rash decisions.  She does not approve of frivolity.  She is a child of the depression era, so she saves leftovers, fabric scraps, plastic baggies and pennies like they are the last of their kind.  And she does NOT think a road trip to Seattle is a good idea.

I wish so bad she understood my need to go there.  I wish I could tell her that I am getting tired of waiting to start my life!  I will most likely be moving to the Seattle area after she and daddy are gone, but I can’t tell her that.  She gets hurt feelings that I don’t love the Texas Panhandle as much as she does.  And I do love some aspects of the Panhandle.  I will always love the wheat fields, the canyons and the sunsets.  But I am so sick of the heat, the dirt, the dead dry earth, and the smell of feed lots!  I want to be where it is green and lush, mossy and it  RAINS!

My son and I went to Amarillo toady, and then to the museum in Canyon.  We had a lot of fun, but our conversation centered mainly on our trip to Seattle.  What we need to do to get ready, what car to take, what music….  we even might have to bring both the Pug and the Parrot! LOL  Can you imagine what a trip that would be? LOL

Well, back to my mom.  I am going to have to keep most of my planning on the down low, at least for now.  She will figure it out at Christmas when I ask for money and an ice chest for christmas instead of pajamas and socks. 😉

road between the wheat rows

All Images are Copy write protected by Amanda Means

A few of my favorite Texas Panhandle pictures by my favorite Photographer and friend 🙂

Clouds and Wheat
All Images are Copy write protected by Amanda Means

Cows grazing under the Harvest Moon
All Images are Copy write protected by Amanda Means

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Seattle or BUST!

Granted this is a prematurely said title… this is exactly what I will need to see to get me through the next 12 months of planning, saving, calculating and explaining. I will be starting my new campaign of scrimping and saving every penny, asking for ONLY trip money for Christmas, Birthday, Mothers Day… etc. And I will be buying things along the way to save money and space in order to be able to bring along my boy and my Pug on this little 2-3 week adventure 🙂
I have friended a few of you on here that have taken similar road trips, and so I would greatly appreciate any ideas, suggestions, favorite places, money traps, roads to avoid, places to be sure and go… etc.
Wish me luck!!! I hope this works out! 🙂

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