Archive for December, 2012

Best Made Plans…

frowny-face-3d_originalAfter much planning, begging, and hint dropping, Christmas was finally upon me.  I was so very excited and hopeful that my family would  pull through and have a nice little envelope of money together towards my road trip to Seattle and Washington areas. (reference blog post Seattle or Bust)

Thats all I asked for.  I stated many times: “What you would spend on gifts for me, please just put it in an envelope towards my road trip” “Don’t get me anything, I just want money for my trip!”

Well, so my sweet, wonderful Cable Guy gets the ball rolling by buying me a Kindle Fire HD for Christmas.  $200 dollars for a gadget I never asked for.  Granted I LOVE it… but I really didn’t need it.

The next day was Christmas at my parents house.  I was so excited! Here it was! Finally I can start making some REAL plans towards my trip in June!!!


Gift #1:  An Owl Wall Hanging sign. From my sister.   Ummmmm… WTF?

Gift #2:  A set of 200 count bed sheets from my mom.  yea

Gift #3: A gift card to Burlington Coat Factory, for $25.00

Gift #4:  A thin gray sweater from  Chadwicks

Gift #5: A perfume sampler… I am allergic to most perfumes. 😦

And the list goes on like that.

No money, no hope of a road trip.  No mention of a road trip of any sort.

Yup, looking pretty dismal. 😦

I love my family, I really, really do… but nobody took a hint.  Nobody realises how very serious I am about wanting to visit this state! I am a little sad and a whole lot disappointed 😦

So there’s my rant.  Do I close the Seattle chapter for now?  Not real sure…  but it’s not looking good 😦



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Although this is actually a very pretty picture, taken from a small airplane over Amarillo Texas, You must remember that this…


Is what we are seeing, or more like NOT seeing, while driving down the highway!


Our noses are stuffed up with the smell of dirt.  Eyes are watering, throats are scratchy.  The wind is blowing up to 70mph!!  There have been several traffic fatalities already due to “brown out” conditions and traffic pileups.  Christmas decorations are flying off houses, and I swear I just saw baby Jesus roll by from the Baptist Church nativity 6 blocks away!

The scientists are predicting another Dust bowl for our area in the next year or so.  A Dust bowl that would “Rival” the dust bowl of 35′.


Yup, if that comes to pass… Seattle will for sure have a new resident or two!

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Mental illness is REAL!


After reading the article/blog by Liza Long.    http://gawker.com/5968818/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother  I recalled my words back in February and again in September.

I, to, could be Adam Lanza’s mother.

Just as easily as the mother next door to me, my sister, my co-worker… any of us could face this horror. Mental illness is here. It is among us. It is walking down the street. It is teaching our children. It is working at Wal-mart, it is performing surgery, it is babysitting or baking our cakes. Mental illness is the reality  behind sooo many faces. And it is real!  I know this for fact!  It is not an excuse, it is not a cop-out. It is REAL.
This is not the time to blame the government, fight the right to guns, debate the amendments, or question God.  Now is the time to realize how mental illness affects EVERYONE.  Not just the mothers and fathers, but also the innocent bystanders. Now is the time to take threats serious. Increase Insurance to cover mental illness needs. NOW is the time to take these children seriously and not throw them in a classification and hide them away. They wont all stay hidden forever. They will strike out against themselves by killing themselves or just cutting their arms. They will strike out at others by killing, spewing poison from pens, keyboards, mouths and souls.  They will strike out in ways most people can’t imagine, but the pain is REAL. Mental pain is REAL. Acknowledge it, validate it… and lets work together to keep our loved ones safe.  Society in itself will eventually be undone by truly mentally ill people and children. Face it head on and help find a cure. As the mother of two mentally ill children of varying degrees, I am truly terrified. Terrified.

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The boss I have mentioned in earlier posts as decided that I am someone who is “broken”. Someone that needs to be fixed, remedied, cured, changed. She says that because I don’t “make it a point to be friends with the nurses, that I am like working with Oil and Water”. She said I have a wall up and nobody can get past it.

I was speechless. Aghast. Who did she think she was? I wasn’t even in trouble with my actual WORK. I was in trouble for not being like THEM. And to make matters worse, I’m still not sure even who she was even referring to. I go to work on time, I do my job very well, the nurses I work with like me, we all work well together. I am always busy, not trying to sit around and read and watch tv like some of the others. (This is nights by the way, not the day shift) Just because I don’t join in gossip or raunchy talk of men and sex doesn’t mean I am being standoffish and unsociable. As far as I can figure, there are maybe 2-4 nurses that just don’t like me as a person the other 98% like me.

So the director left our visit with me promising to try to change and work harder to fit in…

I don’t know if I can, and I certainly don’t think I can change 38 years of bricks in my wall. I am at a loss with what my next step should be. Do I put up with this another 2 years? Do I try to find a new job? I’m at a complete and total loss of heart….

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Sometimes you want to be cared about, other times you want to be heard.

But most of the time, we just want someone, that particular someone, to see through our guise, and to say what we want them to say, so that some indescribable need in us will be fulfilled.

They rarely do.

There are strangers who know us better. And we often trust them with more too.

But this is the precise time that we need to love them anyway. Be that one person who gave of yourself everything that you had and were okay with getting little in return. Pay attention. Always pay attention. It’s the smallest things that impact the most, good or bad.

Don’t only listen; hear.

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Death Threats

So it has been brought to my attention that I have been turned in by a co-worker for making a death threat on Facebook. (((Sigh)))
Now I have been called into the Directors office to discuss this “very serious situation and some other “team Player” issues”.
If you will please keep in mind while reading this, that I am the one that’s been ranting on here for the past year about being bullied at work, being picked on and singled out by the Director and her cronies.  Having been treated so badly for so long, I had finally had my fill. I am still suffering the effects of Paxil withdrawal and sleep deprivation. I have taken, and taken and taken the crap dished out at work and never said a word to anyone or done anything.
Anyways, so a nurse got a little high and mighty the other night, snapped her fingers at me and told me to go make her a delivery table. I already had made a table and was actually resting for a minute before I got back busy, so rather than jump down her throat and make a scene, I just sat there and continued looking at my magazine. (Yes, being a little pointedly obstinate , but not saying a word.) Two other nurses witnessed it, and both were watching in shock, ready to see hair fly. I was embarrassed, flustered, shocked and MAD that she had spoken to me in this manner. The night continued on without me saying anything to her at all. The charge nurse was told by the other nurses, but I never had my say. Nobody ever asked.
Well, Mistake number ONE: Saying something on Facebook. I should never have said it… But I did, everyone saw it… and now I’m in big trouble.
Mistake number two: Not saying anything to the nurse at the time it happened. I should have said “Hey, please don’t ever speak to me and snap your fingers that way at me again”. Or something like that, but I didn’t. I am to timid and too scared to speak up, so as a writer… what do I do? I vent. I vent with my fingers. I vent to people who actually care, like my friends on Facebook.
She saw it, got… scared??? I suppose? And proceeded to turn me in for making threats 😦 This is what I said:

“Someone doesn’t realize just how close she really came to death when she snapped her fingers and ordered me around like a child last night… very close indeed!”

Whats the verdict? Have any of you ever said anything in anger and gotten in trouble with work?
I know, from experience, that the Director will not even care about the Paxil thing. She will not want to hear excuses or reasoning. She wants to reprimand me, write me up and be done with it. I am devastated that this has been so blown out of proportion, but what can i do? I can’t deny it, it was right there for everyone to read. How do I face my co-worker again without animosity? I mean, poor dumb girl… not my fault she’s stupid and vindictive! 😦 Ugh! I go Tuesday morning for my meeting… Any advice?


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