Archive for January, 2013

Not only have I been sick for the last week, but I have also had a level of depression going that keeps me just a little above the point of drowning. I am not totally unfunctionable… but I am not really doing a whole lot with my days, either. I am supposed to be putting these old magazines on eBay, making my jewelry, cleaning house, walking, job searching, cleaning house… Oh I think I said that already..
But instead, here I sit. I havent even felt like writing and that is bad. If I store up all these words and don’t write them down, then the Cable Guy gets and ear full on the phone and I feel silly for doing that to him.
My mother is insane, she has totally forgotten that she encouraged me to quite my job, now she is freaking out about the lack of money coming in. It’s frightening how poor I really am at this point. But I really have been looking, it’s just hard to explain to a person of her generation that everything is done via the internet these days. She thinks that me not going out daily dressed in dress slacks and pantyhose with my resume’ and a smile, means I am not trying.
I’m in a slump, an abyss, a funk… I am depressed and trying to hermit myself up into this little safe ball. I do this every time. I will do it again someday. Probably several more times. It’s just who I am. It’s how I deal… It’s just not fun when it’s happening, and it’s not fun for those around me. I just hope something changes soon.. or I might actually stop being able to hide the Crazy!

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Borrowed from FaceBook…. Just wanted to share.


537328_475556319156897_1041948671_nA young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, “Tell me what do you see?”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft.She then asked her to take an egg and break it.

After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked. “What’s the point,grandmother?”

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity–boiling water–but each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter.

“When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?”

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?


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My sweet Cable Guy lost his best friend to cancer a few days ago.

He was only 38.

We have both struggled during this mans fight, with questions of our own mortality and how we hope to continue on with this life we have been blessed with. I can speak only for myself (since my Cable Guy doesn’t speak all that much….) when I say, “I want to make this life count“.

I don’t want to find myself: 70 years old, over weight, sitting in a chair wishing for my youth back. This is what I see my poor daddy doing, and its heart breaking. I want to live life to its fullest. I want to travel, love, live, enjoy! I want to accomplish all of my 40 goals so at 50 I can do it all over again!

I still can’t eat very much, my tummy is still just too upset. Besides the stress from leaving my job, now I have a plumbing problem that will cost me a little over $2500. on Monday.

I am very scared about where the money will come from, but it looks like the Seattle road trip is off, indefinitely:( I guess the remainder of my goals will have to be simple and cost-free… I guess… darn it
(My mom is also sick again, please pray and send healing thoughts her way.)

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Oh, Great Spirit, whose voice I hear in the winds.
And whose breath gives life to all the world.
Hear me! I am small and weak.
I need your strength and wisdom.
Let me walk in beauty, and make my eyes
Ever hold the red and purple sunset.
Make my hands respect the things you have made.
My ears sharp to hear your voice.
Make me wise so that I may understand
The things you might teach me.
Let me learn the lessons you have hidden
In every leaf and rock.
I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother.
But to fight my greatest enemy, myself.
Make me always ready to come to you
With clear hands and straight eyes.
So when life fades, as the fading sunset.
My spirit may come to you without shame.

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Starting a Goal…

And I would love for all my friends from WordPress to join me 🙂 Add my new blog, follow, join me 🙂 I will keep posting my personal, melancholy, poetic stuff on here… so my Facebook friends cant see it 🙂


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Found this on Pintrest and want to save it forever 🙂


Inspired by a Pin I’ve recently seen about “rules for dads with daughters,” I went searching for a similar list for moms with sons.  This search was mostly fruitless, so I was inspired to write my own Rules for Moms with Sons.  Granted, my list will not be conclusive and may not be entirely uncontroversial.  So agree, or disagree, or take with a grain of salt – but I hope to inspire other moms who are loving, and struggling, and tired, and proud, and eager to support the boys in their lives.  You are the most important woman in his life, his first teacher, and the one he will look to for permission for the rest of his life.  From “Can I go play with them?” to “Should I ask her to marry me?”  Its a big job, but as the mumma, we’re up for it.

1. Teach him the words for how he feels. Your son will scream out of frustration and hide out of embarrassment.  He’ll cry from fear and bite out of excitement.  Let his body move by the emotion, but also explain to him what the emotion is and the appropriate response to that emotion for future reference.  Point out other people who are feeling the same thing and compare how they are showing that emotion.  Talk him through your emotions so that someday when he is grown, he will know the difference between angry and embarrassed; between disappointment and grief.

2. Be a cheerleader for his life There is no doubt that you are the loudest person in the stands at his t-ball games.  There is no doubt that he will tell you to “stop, mom” when you sing along to his garage band’s lyrics.  There is no doubt that he will get red-faced when you show his prom date his pictures from boy scouts.  There is no doubt that he is not telling his prom date about your blog where you’ve been bragging about his life from his first time on the potty to the citizenship award he won in ninth grade.  He will tell you to stop.  He will say he’s embarrassed.  But he will know that there is at least one person that is always rooting for him.

3. Teach him how to do laundry ..and load the dishwasher, and iron a shirt.  He may not always choose to do it.  He may not ever have to do it.  But someday his wife will thank you.

4. Read to him and read with him. Emilie Buchwald said, “Children become readers on the laps of their parents.”  Offer your son the opportunity to learn new things, believe in pretend places, and imagine bigger possibilities through books.  Let him see you reading…reading the paper, reading novels, reading magazine articles.  Help him understand that writing words down is a way to be present forever.  Writers are the transcribers of history and memories.  They keep a record of how we lived at that time; what we thought was interesting; how we spoke to each other; what was important.  And Readers help preserve and pass along those memories.

5. Encourage him to dance. Dance, rhythm, and music are cultural universals.  No matter where you go, no matter who you meet – they have some form of the three.  It doesn’t have to be good.  Just encourage your son that when he feels it, it’s perfectly fine to go ahead and bust a move. 6. Make sure he has examples of good men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity. The examples of men with big muscles and a uniform (like Batman and LaMarr Woodley) will surround your son from birth.  But make sure he also knows about men who kick a$s because of their brains (Albert Einstein), and their pen (Mark Twain), and their words (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), and their determination (Team Hoyt), and their ideas (The Wright Brothers), and their integrity (Officer Frank Shankwitz), and fearlessness (Neil Armstrong), and their ability to keep their mouths closed when everyone else is screaming (Jackie Robinson). 7. Make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity. The examples of traditionally beautiful women (like Daphne Blake, Princess Jasmine, and Britney Spears) will surround your son from birth.  But make sure he knows about women who are beautiful from the inside out because of their brains (Madame Marie Curie), and their pen (Harper Lee), and their words (Eleanor Roosevelt), and their determination (Anne Sullivan), and their ideas (Oprah Winfrey), and their integrity (Miep Gies), and fearlessness (Ameila Earhart), and their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent (Aung San Suu Kyi). 8. Be an example of a beautiful woman with brains, determination, and integrity. You already are all of those things.  If you ever fear that you are somehow incapable of doing anything – remember this:  If you have done any of the following:  a) grew life b) impossibly and inconceivably got it out of your body c) taken care of a newborn d) made a pain go away with a kiss e) taught someone to read f) taught a toddler to eat with a utensil g) cleaned up diarrhea without gagging h) loved a child enough to be willing to give your life for them (regardless if they are your own) or i) found a way to be strong when that child is suffering…you are a superhero.  do not doubt yourself for one second.  Seriously. 9. Teach him to have manners because its nice.  and it will make the world a little better of a place.

10. Give him something to believe in Because someday he will be afraid, or nervous, or heartbroken, or lost, or just need you, and you won’t be able to be there.  Give him something to turn to when it feels like he is alone, so that he knows that he will never be alone; never, never, never. 11. Teach him that there are times when you need to be gentle like with babies, and flowers, and animals, and other people’s feelings.

12. Let him ruin his clothes Resolve to be cool about dirty and ruined clothes.  You’ll be fighting a losing battle if you get upset every time he ruins another piece of clothing. Don’t waste your energy being angry about something inevitable.  Boys tend to learn by destroying, jumping, spilling, falling, and making impossible messes.  Dirty, ruined clothes are just par for the course.

13. Learn how to throw a football or how to use a hockey stick, or read music, or draw panda bears (or in my case alpacas), or the names of different train engines, or learn to speak Elvish, or recognize the difference between Gryffindor and Slytherin, or the lyrics to his favorite song.  Be in his life, not as an observer but as an active participant.

14. Go outside with him turn off the television, unplug the video games, put your cellphone on the charger, even put your camera away.  Just go outside and follow him around.  Watch his face, explore his world, and let him ask questions.  It’s like magic.

15. Let him lose Losing sucks.  Everybody isn’t always a winner.  Even if you want to say, “You’re a winner because you tried,” don’t.  He doesn’t feel like a winner, he feels sad and crappy and disappointed.  And that’s a good thing, because sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard (as moms) we try to make it not suck for our kids.  This practice will do him good later when he loses again (and again, and again, and again, and again…..)  Instead make sure he understands that – sometimes you win – sometimes you lose.  But that doesn’t mean you ever give up.

16. Give him opportunities to help others There is a big difference in giving someone the opportunity to help and forcing someone to help.  Giving the opportunity lights a flame in the heart and once the help is done the flame shines brighter and asks for more opportunities.  Be an example of helping others in your own actions and the way your family helps each other and helps others together.

17. Remind him that practice makes perfect. This doesn’t just apply to performance-based activities (like sports and music) but also applies to everything in life.  You become a better writer by writing.  You become a better listener by listening.  You become better speaker by speaking.  Show your son this when he is just young enough to understand (that means from birth, folks – they are making sense of the world as soon as they arrive), practice trick-or-treating at your own front door before the real thing.  Practice how you will walk through airport security before a trip.  Practice how you order your own food from the fast food cashier.  Practice, practice, practice.

18. Answer him when he asks, “Why?” Answer him, or search for the answer together.  Show him the places to look for the answers (like his dad, or grandparents, or his aunts/uncles, or his books, or valid internet searches).  Pose the question to him so he can begin thinking about answers himself.  Someday, when he needs to ask questions he’s too embarrassed to ask you – he’ll know where to go to find the right answers.

19. Always carry band-aids and wipes on you. Especially the wipes.

20. Let his dad teach him how to do things …without interrupting about how to do it the ‘right way.’  If you let his dad show and teach and discover with your son while he is growing up, some day down the road (after a short period of your son believing his dad knows nothing), he will come to the realization that his dad knows everything.  You will always be his mother, but in his grown-up man heart and mind, his dad will know the answers.  And this will be how, when your son is too busy with life to call and chat with his mom,  you will stay connected to what is happening in his life.  Because he will call his dad for answers, and his dad will secretly come and ask you.

21. Give him something to release his energy Drums, a pen, a punching bag, wide open space, water, a dog.  Give him something to go crazy with – or he will use your stuff, and then you’ll be sorry.

22. Build him forts Forts have the ability to make everyday normal stuff into magic.  Throw the couch cushions, a couple blankets, and some clothespins and you can transform your living room into the cave of wonders.  For the rest of his life, he’ll be grateful to know that everyday normal stuff has the potential to be magical.

23. Take him to new places Because it will make his brain and his heart open up wider, and the ideas and questions and memories will rush in.

24. Kiss him Any mother of sons will tell you that little boys are so loving and sweet.  They can be harsh and wild and destructive during most of the day.  But there are these moments when they are so kind and sensitive and tender.  So much so that it can cause you to look around at the inward, reserved grown men in your life and think, ‘what happens in between that made you lose that?’  Let’s try to stop the cycle by kissing them when they’re loving and kissing them even more when they’re wild.  Kissing them when they’re 2 months and kissing them when they’re 16 years old.  You’re the mom – you can go ahead and kiss him no matter how big he gets – and make sure he knows it.   p.s. (this one is just as important for dads too).

25. Be home base You are home to him.  When he learns to walk, he will wobble a few feet away from you and then come back, then wobble away a little farther and then come back.  When he tries something new, he will look for your proud smile.  When he learns to read, he will repeat the same book to you twenty times in a row, because you’re the only one who will listen that many times.  When he plays his sport, he will search for your face in the stands.  When he is sick, he will call you.  When he really messes up, he will call you.  When he is grown and strong and tough and big and he feels like crying, he will come to you; because a man can cry in front of his mother without feeling self-conscious.  Even when he grows up and has a new woman in his life and gets a new home, you are still his mother; home base, the ever constant, like the sun.  Know that in your heart and everything else will fall into place. By Tabitha Studer. Reprinted with permission from The Good Men Project

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I Just Jumped….

jumping-off-a-cliffI quite my job last night… Oh dear Lord, what the heck am I doing?

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He’s my best friend, I can tell him everything. I do tell him Everything… except for I Love You… At arm’s length is a horrible distance to be held.

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It was just a year ago that the Cable Guy finally gave up his tough guy cover and admitted that “yes” we are actually in a relationship. We had spent a year before that as “friends” and I had finally decided I would confess my love for him that night, New Years Eve of 2012.

When I did, while lying in bed snuggled up all warm and safe, he said he did care about me but was “not ready to say it”. “It” being the words “I love you”. I was a little let down at that moment, but a confession of commitment was all I really needed at that moment.

Then WHY, a year later, am I still hungering to hear those three little words? Why does that seem to be something I need? I know he does, I feel it in the way he acts, looks at me, treats me and my son. He is committed. He does love me. I realize it is hard for him to say it. He has been hurt in the past. So have I. But pain has not stopped me from feeling love for the one man who has truly ever been that for me.

We were unable to spend New years Eve together this year. I had to work. So we did the next best thing.. we spent it on the phone with each other. He had a few drinks in him and said some very sweet, endearing things that 2 minutes on the phone. But it was quickly over, and I chickened out on saying the “I love you” phrase.

I have hungered for it so much lately that that is almost all I asked for for Christmas. I need to know he feels this way. I need to no longer feel he is keeping me at arm’s length.

There was a whole movie dedicated to this need, it’s called Ghost. Demi Moore wanted Patrick Swazey to say more than just “ditto”. It wasn’t until he had died that he realized how important it is for someone to say those words.

I have told him how I feel. I have also stuck to saying things like, “Well, you know how I feel” and “youre the best”. He knows what this means, he knows how I wish to say it. Getting him to even say “I missed you too” is like pulling teeth and he says it in a weird, choppy, baby voice. (((sigh)))

He has been an orphan for years, he has never been one to trust women because they have all left him… wife, mother, sister, girlfriends… all of them. But not me. I won’t. I love him so very much. He is a wonderful, sweet, kind man. He just has this one terrible flaw. And it’s driving me insane!

We have also talked of moving in together as soon as his son graduates. But when marriage came into the equation he balked instantly. “I told you, I am never getting married again!” I was crushed. I had never thought I would want to remarry either, untill him, but my mind has been changed by my heart. 18 years later my whole world has been turned upside down by this Cable guy and now I am the chaser! Ugh!

I had a boyfriend a few years ago that made a huge deal about me not being able to say “I love you” to him. Is this the same deal? Does he really just not feel it? If this is the deal, maybe I don’t want to press the issue and even know the real answer. Is it best to  just  leave well enough alone? Is it best to not push him by asking?

I know me, and if something was to happen to him before I ever hear his true feelings… I know I would spend the rest of my life wishing, dwelling and worrying. Is that an outcome I should be willing to have, just to have a happy lifetime with him now?



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