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Archive for February, 2013

 

My head is a jumble of stories amid memories, truths and make-believe… I wish I could write these thoughts all down; I dread punching out every sad word. I am a mess of emotions and sadness and humor and love. I am an upside down tree with my roots reaching to the sky, trying to grasp onto life.. to something moist and fruitful.. to something more firm than what my life is balanced on at this time… ~C&F

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Eating Crow…

Well, the Cable Guy came through. No, it is NOT an engagement ring, but it is diamonds.. which I NEVER expected!! So, he has redeemed himself as the wonderful kind man that he is. I am still feeling melancholy about how he led me on and how he crushed me last saturday with his declaration of NEVER going to buy me an engagement ring. I am torn. What is it I really want? What is it I really need from him? That will be thoughts for a future post. As for now, I will enjoy my diamonds and move on with my dreams. Hope you all had a wonderful day!

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The snow is coming down in thick heavy flakes as I sit and write. Drinking my coffee, holding my warm little pug; reflecting on the past few days of sadness and disappointment, almost weighing as heavy on my soul as the snow on the trees. I feel a sense of anger at the sound of the snow plow moving down my street, it is disturbing my little safe haven of privacy, creating an opening to the possibility of someone disturbing my cocoon.
He rejected me. He made it very clear that the Valentines surprise is NOT, and never will be, an engagement ring.

Really, the hurt was not in the fact that it is not a ring. It is in the way he said it. He used words that punched me full in the stomach like a fist. Leaving salt in the wound and a pain in the heart that I fear may never be undone, or even heal without a huge jagged scar.   It took me a day to even speak to him again for fear he would realize the depth of my pain. I was scared I would say something detrimental to the relationship and push him away further. But with the silence came the wall, the wall of protection that I had allowed over the past year to slowly comedown. The wall that I instantly masoned back up around my heart with a new found fear and strength. It may never, if ever, come down to the extent it was just a few days ago.

He knows I am hurt, he is just not sure what it was that he did to hurt me so, and I am not beyond making him sweat a little and worry that I am not fine.  I am not sure I can ever forgive those words. Those painful statements of hopelessness and finality. He is so worried that his freedom will be taken from him, well, I am not going to take that freedom any longer.  I am used to being on my own.  I am MADE to survive alone. Now is the time to get on with my thinking and independence and quite fantasizing like a teenage girl.  I almost became a woman much like the kind of woman I despise. I almost let a ring, and the dream of a vow, cloud my thinking… turn my brain to a Pintrest mush.  That dream is over, done, finished… it’s back to reality for me.
I will sit here and finish my coffee. I will continue to hold the pug and feel his little wrinkly, chubby body breath deep in Puggy dreams, and I will remember who I am and what I am in this life. I will survive, I will be fine. I will remain the Cable Guy’s girlfriend for a while longer, but the dream of being the Cable Guys wife is over… melting right along with the February snow.

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I have been in the grip of one of the worst bouts of depression I have ever experienced. I have not done much with my life these past 3 weeks, other than just… exist. I am able to function enough that nobody outside of my home has seen this happening, but I know it’s there, lurking just under the surface of my skin, waiting for the night to fall and the boy go to bed so I can walk the floors again in my sorrow and despair. I’m not suicidal, by any means, the will to live is still there. I just feel useless, unwanted, unneeded… like a lump of wasted flesh. Unlovable.
Never have I experienced depression to the point that it has flowed into my sexuality. My loss of desire was evident Saturday night after a much-needed date with my Cable Guy. It was to be a sweet, quiet night at home. We havent been together sexually for almost 6 weeks due to work, illness and, well, life. So this was to be a “play” night. But I was the flaccid penis this night. I couldn’t finish. I could not even stay in the moment. I gave up and cried in his arms. Finally confessing my depression, my despair, my feelings of self loathing and worthlessness. He held me and stroked my hair, listening and understanding my pain as best he could. But I could not help but wonder if this would push him away? How could anyone find me lovable if I couldn’t see it myself? I have always heard that “to be loved you must first love yourself.” So what would this depression do to my relationship with a man who doesn’t understand depression and unseen pain like mine? He left around two that morning, and I cried and wallowed in my disappointment of how things went, or didn’t go, actually.
Then Sunday morning I was awoken by a phone call from my sweet man. “I have a question” he said…. “are you allergic to any of the precious metals? Like gold, silver, platinum?” I was speechless… this coming from a man who has made it very clear he does not buy jewelry. We talked about this for a minute, and then he said “well, I have a few other questions, but I’m going to have to call your mom about them, cause I don’t want to give away my surprise.” I know what he’s doing, he’s trying to cheer me up by teasing me, getting my mind off of myself and on to something a little more pleasant, like our future together. He has since asked me for jewelry sizes, specifically RING size.
Now, go back a few posts and you will see where he stated that he “Is NEVER getting Married Again”… and then realize my surprise at his acting so strange. I don’t know, I don’t KNOW if he is getting me an engagement ring or not, but the fact that he finds me lovable enough, even at this time in my life, to put this much thought into a gift? Two weeks before Valentines day??? I know I just fell more in love with him for this distraction than I have ever been. I do know if it IS an engagement ring I might just die right then and there! But, if it’s not… it’s the thought that counts. The thought that he still finds me lovable, even in te midst of me at my worst.

 

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Macabe Sunday Goodness…

Dr. Henry Howard Holmes, was one of the first documented American serial killers in the modern sense of the term. In Chicago at the time of the 1893 World’s Fair, Holmes opened a hotel which he had designed and built for himself specifically with murder in mind, and which was the location of many of his murders. While he confessed to 27 murders, of which four were confirmed, his actual body count could be as high as 200.[3] He took an unknown number of his victims from the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair, which was less than two miles away, in his “World’s Fair” hotel.

The entire structure was constructed to kill, the obscure, and to dispose. Some were locked in sound proof bedrooms fitted with gas lines that let him asphyxiate them at any time. Some victims were locked in a huge sound proof bank vault near his office, where they were left to suffocate.

The victims’ bodies were dropped by secret chute to the basement, where some were meticulously dissected, stripped of flesh, crafted into skeleton models, and then sold to medical schools. Holmes also cremated some of the bodies or placed them in lime pits for destruction. Holmes had two giant furnaces as well as pits of acid, bottles of various poisons, and even a stretching rack.

Through the connections he had gained in medical school, he sold skeletons and organs with little difficulty.

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