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Archive for April, 2014

Boundry

I’m sitting here, sunk as low in my chair as I can go without snapping my neck.

My coffee cup lies empty, wafting ghostly aromas around my desk.

I’m oddly aware of the noise of the airconditioning and the tappity-click of my fingers on the keyboard. I’m uncomfortably aware of the throbbing in my neck, shoulders and eyes. I’ve been sitting here for hours. And nothing.

I’ve been trying to write, you see.

I’ve been trying to find the right phrases, words, anything.

Anything to take these ephemeral experiences and give them body & weight. And nothing.

All that comes to me is physical reminders and alarms of a body that’s aching for rest. A mind too, that refuses to work unless set upon something it enjoys. The voice of reason makes it’s way slowly through the sludge.

It is the only voice I now possess. I hate it. It brings little comfort, if any.

All it says is “should”. Or actually “should have”.

For all the wonderful words I know, why can I never learn the meaning of ‘boundary’? And then learn to follow it’s meaning.

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“A mighty pain to love it is,
And ’tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain.”
~Abraham Cowely

Loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life…
Sometimes, you think you’re already over a person, But when you see them smile at you, you’ll suddenly realize that you’re just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again…

For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person…
Some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else… Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love – love is always present. It’s just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little…

As we all know the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that’s the reason why the heart is not always right…
Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them, we are just for past times, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger…

So here’s a piece of advice: Let go when you’re hurting too much. Give up when love isn’t enough, and move on when things are not like before… For sure, there is someone out there who will love you even more…”

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Love

Love is a funny thing.

You expect it to be easy.

You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies.

You expect him to always say the right thing,

and always know exactly how you feel,

or exactly how to react to it.

You expect him to calm you down when you’re yelling

or to chase you when you run away.

You expect so much that you feel entirely,

and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans.

But that’s the thing, love isn’t a plan.

It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end

or visible finish line to those deeply in it.

Love happens,

and it is incredibly messy. ”

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Hush, Heart…

“See how nature – trees, flowers, grass – grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence…we need silence to be able to touch souls.”

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Brevity

Just one…..

All I want

is just one night…..

And I’ll tell you why.

I want to give in to everything.

But I’m not allowed to.

I’m not allowed to fall in love with you.

I’m not allowed to see the things I do.

I’m not allowed to instantly recognise something amazing.

No. I’m supposed to wait for it.

Wait until it dawns on me; on you.

that slow burn of realisation.

I’m not allowed to willingly accept invitations

to flights of fantasy.

I’m not allowed to soar above the fetters of daily routine.

I’m not allowed to worship, study and adore.

I’m not even allowed to enjoy a thing of beauty.

We are, however, allowed to make excuses for it.

We can dress it up in drunken miscalculations and bad decisions.

We’re allowed to do anything we want,

as long as we own up to not REALLY wanting it.

It’s easier to forgive the silliness of intoxication.

The mistake of wanton lust.

As long as it’s under the covers of hurried night.

We can erase that faster.

Maybe we didn’t even see it. Certainly no one else will know….

Maybe we won’t even have to remember…

And so,

give me that one night.

If I must cloak it in deceit,

I shall.

But I will still know

otherwise.

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(Old post from 12-3-08… I was still missing my Cable Guy)

 

I am an addict. I am a junkie of good writing. I crave wonderful lyrics.

And since I feel like I should write a blog, but still want to keep some of my secrets to myself, I thought I would post someone else’s song…someone else’s words. It doesn’t have a chorus, it doesn’t have a verse, and it’s just someone else’s song that says something that I am unable to say. The following is a much better story for you at midnight, with your bottle of wine, wondering what is next for you to say…. I just wish I had been the one to say this… to you….

I still miss you…

Even after these 2 years. 😦

“So this is how the story went

I met someone by accident

That blew me away, blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days

When you took my sorrow and you took my pain

And buried them away, you buried them away

And I wish I could lay down beside you

When the day is done

And wake up to your face under the morning sun

But like everything I’ve ever known

I’m sure you’ll go one day

So I’ll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

And I can’t spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I dropped you off at the train station

And put a kiss on top of your head

I watched you wave, watched you wave

Then I went on home to my skyscrapers

Neon lights and waiting papers

That I call home

I call it home

And I wish I could lay down beside you

When the day is done

And wake up to your face against the morning sun

But like everything I’ve ever known

I’m sure you’ll go one day

So I’ll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

And I can’t spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I woke up feeling heavy hearted

I’m going back to where I started

The morning rain, the morning rain

And you know I wish that you were here

But that same old road that brought me here

Is calling me home

And I wish I could lay down beside you

When the day is done

And wake up to your face against the morning sun

But like everything I’ve ever known

You’ll disappear someday

So I’ll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

And I can’t spend my whole life hiding my heart away”

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Lonely

I am so lonely.

I am not just lonely for love. I am lonely for friendship, companionship, someone to confide in, someone to think about.

I have guarded my heart with such fevor, I have managed to seclude myself from all friends. I have lost friends due to not having time for anything but children and job. I have lost friends through disagreements. I have lost 2 friends lately due to different paths they choose…. I am still here, but they are both gone…

I pushed everyone away, for fear of being hurt again. the distrust I have for people has festered its way into my daily life. The jelousy I have felt for those people that did not choose me, that chose to move on, that chose to take a chance on someone not as damaged, not as weighted from the baggage, that fits with them better.. the jealousy is like fire in my stomach.. it burns and hurts to the point I can’t breath.

I force my happy smile, and I swallow that bitter, jagged, little pill. I’m not happy in this state of lonliness… I must not be, I long to be free, like I am in a prison… a calm, stable, quiet.. OH so quiet, prison.

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