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Archive for April, 2014

Boundry

I’m sitting here, sunk as low in my chair as I can go without snapping my neck.

My coffee cup lies empty, wafting ghostly aromas around my desk.

I’m oddly aware of the noise of the airconditioning and the tappity-click of my fingers on the keyboard. I’m uncomfortably aware of the throbbing in my neck, shoulders and eyes. I’ve been sitting here for hours. And nothing.

I’ve been trying to write, you see.

I’ve been trying to find the right phrases, words, anything.

Anything to take these ephemeral experiences and give them body & weight. And nothing.

All that comes to me is physical reminders and alarms of a body that’s aching for rest. A mind too, that refuses to work unless set upon something it enjoys. The voice of reason makes it’s way slowly through the sludge.

It is the only voice I now possess. I hate it. It brings little comfort, if any.

All it says is “should”. Or actually “should have”.

For all the wonderful words I know, why can I never learn the meaning of ‘boundary’? And then learn to follow it’s meaning.

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“A mighty pain to love it is,
And ’tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain.”
~Abraham Cowely

Loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life…
Sometimes, you think you’re already over a person, But when you see them smile at you, you’ll suddenly realize that you’re just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again…

For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person…
Some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else… Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love – love is always present. It’s just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little…

As we all know the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that’s the reason why the heart is not always right…
Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them, we are just for past times, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger…

So here’s a piece of advice: Let go when you’re hurting too much. Give up when love isn’t enough, and move on when things are not like before… For sure, there is someone out there who will love you even more…”

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Love

Love is a funny thing.

You expect it to be easy.

You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies.

You expect him to always say the right thing,

and always know exactly how you feel,

or exactly how to react to it.

You expect him to calm you down when you’re yelling

or to chase you when you run away.

You expect so much that you feel entirely,

and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans.

But that’s the thing, love isn’t a plan.

It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end

or visible finish line to those deeply in it.

Love happens,

and it is incredibly messy. ”

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Hush, Heart…

“See how nature – trees, flowers, grass – grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence…we need silence to be able to touch souls.”

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Brevity

Just one…..

All I want

is just one night…..

And I’ll tell you why.

I want to give in to everything.

But I’m not allowed to.

I’m not allowed to fall in love with you.

I’m not allowed to see the things I do.

I’m not allowed to instantly recognise something amazing.

No. I’m supposed to wait for it.

Wait until it dawns on me; on you.

that slow burn of realisation.

I’m not allowed to willingly accept invitations

to flights of fantasy.

I’m not allowed to soar above the fetters of daily routine.

I’m not allowed to worship, study and adore.

I’m not even allowed to enjoy a thing of beauty.

We are, however, allowed to make excuses for it.

We can dress it up in drunken miscalculations and bad decisions.

We’re allowed to do anything we want,

as long as we own up to not REALLY wanting it.

It’s easier to forgive the silliness of intoxication.

The mistake of wanton lust.

As long as it’s under the covers of hurried night.

We can erase that faster.

Maybe we didn’t even see it. Certainly no one else will know….

Maybe we won’t even have to remember…

And so,

give me that one night.

If I must cloak it in deceit,

I shall.

But I will still know

otherwise.

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(Old post from 12-3-08… I was still missing my Cable Guy)

 

I am an addict. I am a junkie of good writing. I crave wonderful lyrics.

And since I feel like I should write a blog, but still want to keep some of my secrets to myself, I thought I would post someone else’s song…someone else’s words. It doesn’t have a chorus, it doesn’t have a verse, and it’s just someone else’s song that says something that I am unable to say. The following is a much better story for you at midnight, with your bottle of wine, wondering what is next for you to say…. I just wish I had been the one to say this… to you….

I still miss you…

Even after these 2 years. 😦

____________________________________________________

“So this is how the story went

I met someone by accident

That blew me away, blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days

When you took my sorrow and you took my pain

And buried them away, you buried them away

And I wish I could lay down beside you

When the day is done

And wake up to your face under the morning sun

But like everything I’ve ever known

I’m sure you’ll go one day

So I’ll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

And I can’t spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I dropped you off at the train station

And put a kiss on top of your head

I watched you wave, watched you wave

Then I went on home to my skyscrapers

Neon lights and waiting papers

That I call home

I call it home

And I wish I could lay down beside you

When the day is done

And wake up to your face against the morning sun

But like everything I’ve ever known

I’m sure you’ll go one day

So I’ll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

And I can’t spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I woke up feeling heavy hearted

I’m going back to where I started

The morning rain, the morning rain

And you know I wish that you were here

But that same old road that brought me here

Is calling me home

And I wish I could lay down beside you

When the day is done

And wake up to your face against the morning sun

But like everything I’ve ever known

You’ll disappear someday

So I’ll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

And I can’t spend my whole life hiding my heart away”

 

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Lonely

I am so lonely.

I am not just lonely for love. I am lonely for friendship, companionship, someone to confide in, someone to think about.

I have guarded my heart with such fevor, I have managed to seclude myself from all friends. I have lost friends due to not having time for anything but children and job. I have lost friends through disagreements. I have lost 2 friends lately due to different paths they choose…. I am still here, but they are both gone…

I pushed everyone away, for fear of being hurt again. the distrust I have for people has festered its way into my daily life. The jelousy I have felt for those people that did not choose me, that chose to move on, that chose to take a chance on someone not as damaged, not as weighted from the baggage, that fits with them better.. the jealousy is like fire in my stomach.. it burns and hurts to the point I can’t breath.

I force my happy smile, and I swallow that bitter, jagged, little pill. I’m not happy in this state of lonliness… I must not be, I long to be free, like I am in a prison… a calm, stable, quiet.. OH so quiet, prison.

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Did I Tell You?

(I did not create this.. Wish I had

Did I tell you?

Now that you are grown,

I look back and ask myself-

Did I tell you all that I meant to tell you, all that I felt was important?

Did I tell you or was it lost in the shuffle of our Everyday lives.

The busy full days when we taught and didn’t know it.

What did I teach? Was it strong? Was it good?

Will it root you in something real that will allow you to grow with a firm and sound foundation?

Did I tell you…

Did I tell you to love?

Not with a fair-weather love, but with a love that accepts and cherishes unconditionally.

Love not with a quick and passing love, but with a love that is a quiet peach within your heart.

Did I tell you to be thoughtful?

Not to be a martyr or a doormat to be trod upon, but to be aware of other people and their needs.

To meet others with awareness and within your own framework,

Be able to meet them halfway and on occasion, go the other half joyfully.

Did I tell you to be courteous?

Not to display empty manners with no meaning but to live the courtesy born of caring.

And to express this caring through the small formalities and customs born of the years.

Did I tell you to be bold?

To be not afraid of the unknown, but to live life to the fullest, and meet each new experience with joy and anticipation.

And did I tell you to be cautious?

To temper your daring and sense of adventure with good judgment and consideration.

Did I tell you to serve other people if only in a small way?

There is growth and satisfaction in being part of something larger than yourself and your life will be richer for knowing this.

Did I tell you to find a part of nature that speaks to you?

Then know it intimately and well. For some it is a mountain peak, for some a windswept beach.

Find your own and in it find your restoration.

Did I tell you to maintain a sense of the past?

To recall and uphold all that is best and meaningful in our country and in our society.

But never be afraid to speak out when you don’t believe or where there is room for improvement.

Work for what you believe, but work in a positive way, with a structure of order and reason.

Remember your ancestors; learn about them, so you can know of where you came.

Did I tell you to be creative?

To explore the seed within you.

Find your creative spirit and let it grow.

Did I tell you to laugh to dance to sing?

There is a lot in life that is hard, but take it as is comes and find the good…

And make time to dance.

And did I tell you always to respect yourself?

Don’t compromise your morals- do what you know to be right and good, regardless of what others may do. Did I tell you these things as we went along the way?

If I did, I am humbly grateful.

If I did not, then choose for yourself.

If it has meaning to you, accept it and make it your own.

If it does not, discard it.

Your life is yours to build as you choose.

And did I tell you…I hope it will be a good life.

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Secrets

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them – words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it?

The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly…. only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it.

That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear.

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(written 11-2-2010)

 

I guess the saying “opposites attract” holds true for me. I’m passionate, he’s apathetic. I’m full of expressive, expansive doses of laughter, he waits for something genuinely funny. I babble on to anyone around me, he speaks only to those he has something to say to. I get nervous, and distorted,and overly emotional when I feel something is out of my reach, he’ll unabashedly go after everything he wants, keeping a level head. I want everything, he wants only a selective bit. I’ve never learned how to let go, he was never taught how to hold on. I anchor myself onto everyone I have ever connected with, he depends solely upon himself. I’m a chaotic jumble of half-witted ideas, and unnecessary gibberish, he’s stable inside. I’m spastic, he is calm. I’ll get distracted at the drop of a whistle, he’ll follow things through until the bitter end. I am never caught without a smile, he’s never caught with an unnecessary one. I’m crazily in love with him, while he doesn’t give a crap about me.

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