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Archive for April 14th, 2014

Mask

For as far back as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mommy.  I played dolls my entire childhood, taking meticulous care to dress them, feed them, put them to bed, change them and carry them around like I would my real baby someday.

I remember on several occasions thinking I would, or would not,  do things like my own mom.

As I have said before, Mom could be mean, very mean, and I never wanted to be that way to my own children, so I would make mental notes of what NOT to do or say.  Then again, at times mom could be the sweetest, kindest most loving mom in the world, and I remembered those things and promised I would do the same for my children.  I realize now, that the mean things mom did… were ultimately her own inner struggle with the demons of her past with her own mom, her own mental issues, learned behavior.. etc..  I just remember them as things I hoped would never show up in my own behavior.  That’s when the mask started forming.

It seems like my whole adult life, I have lived with a sort of “mask”.  Lived behind a smile.  I am a survivor, I know that, but don’t bring that to my attention… it makes it hard to keep the mask on when I have to think about what that mask is really covering up.  It’s like a pimple on your face… you know it’s there, and you can hide it with make-up, but it is all you think about at first.. then as you get on with your day you kind of forget… until someone says “Oh, you have a pimple! Does it hurt?”  “Well, yes! It freaking hurts, thanks so much for pointing it out!”  (Thanks for reminding me, douche)  That’s what it feels like when your friend says, “Oh wow, I don’t know how you do it! I sure couldn’t go through everything you have been through! You are so strong!” (No, I’m not strong… I’m a trembling, terrified, little baby inside… but what other choice do I have?)

I hid behind my mask, so well, for so long.

The mask has covered so many things, bad things, everything from the physical abuse and mental abuse I suffered as a child and in my marriage to the bad choices I made with men through the years.  All the lying and deceit I used to cover my tracks, all these things remained hid behind this mask I created.   The pain of having mentally ill children, dreams crushed, rejection, all of it.. covered neatly with this smiling happy mask.

The moment mom died though, that mask crumbled, shattered, and no matter how hard I try… I can’t seem to fit all the pieces back together.

I am able to smile for the one day I work a week, but as soon as I come home… I’m so exhausted and disgusted with myself that I just drag myself to bed and hide the rest of the night.

I have lost my ability to hide myself.  I am no longer  the sweet and wonderful person everyone thinks I am, and the harder I work to keep my true self from showing, the more angry and exhausted I become.

I don’t like myself.   I don’t like my life.

I want my mask back.  I am very, very uncomfortable in my own skin right now.

I try to look towards the future, but all I see are more traps, more needy people obscuring my path, more wishes and dreams being crushed by lack of money, lack of faith and the draining of time and youth.

I can’t even fake happiness anymore.  My mask is completely destroyed.  And the person underneath is so, so ugly.

 

 

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