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Archive for May 12th, 2014

A person does not simply become friends with a teenage boy.
I am finding this fact out the hard way.
It is harder, still, to rebuild a relationship that was previously crushed and broken when that same boy was just a small, powerless child.
I have struggled for 3 years now, to try to rebuild a sort of friendship, at least, with the CG’s son.
I have tried to be a friend to him, be involved, lavish him with gifts, take him places, remind his father to do things for and with him, reach out to his mother when he needed her, ask for his help, love him… mainly love him. But, non of it has worked thus far.
I realize that I seem as useful, to him, as… a throw pillow. I take up space on his couch, I am just as noticeable and important, which is nada… and if I were to just disappear one day, I would never be missed. He might look around for a second, noticing there is something different about the room… but never really know what it was…
Yup, I am a throw pillow.
I wonder if someday he will ever understand that I never stopped loving him, the entire time CG and I were apart, I never stopped thinking of him as my son. I never stopped thinking of him, crying over the loss of him… I even got in touch with the CG, initially, that first time… because I really missed his son?!?! Little did I know….
No, he probably wont ever realize these things, because he will never care to hear them… and if he does decide to be friends with me, I am sure his mother will be waiting in the shadows, ready to strike down any good thoughts he ever has towards me.
I still blame her.
I still blame her for those damaging lies she told him, no matter how small, they were still malignant in their damage.
And, I still blame the CG.
I blame him for not standing up for me, for not setting his son straight on how I feel about him, on not defending me to his ex-wife, for not teaching his son manners and respect towards me.
I blame him for not knowing me well enough to know without a doubt I could never say those things about a boy I have loved as much as my own children!
And, I blame myself.
I blame myself for being so completely scared of a child, a teenager… that I have to secretly write all these feelings on a blog he will never see.
I blame myself for missing those crucial 5 years with him, no matter it was not my actions that kept us apart.
I blame my mental instability for forcing me into silence, rather than sitting him down and baring my true self to him.
I am as useful as a throw pillow, to him.
That sums me up perfectly.

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