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Archive for August, 2014

Today is National Grief Awareness Day. It also happens to be a significant day in the countdown of my “last year with mom, I …”

Last year, on the morning of August 30, I had a two hour long conversation with mom about loss, grief, and how desperately I wanted to spend more time with her. My friend Dolly had just lost her mom, and I suddenly realized that was an actual (future) reality for me. I had at first really called her just to thank her for a simple act she did when I was 14 years old, in order to make all the bullies in high school leave me alone about being so small. I cried and thanked her for several different things as the phone call progressed… And of course she graciously just played it off as being no big deal she just loved me and was just trying her best to help me through a tough situation… She was the best.
We ended the call with her promising to take me shoe shopping for “librarian appropriate shoes” and then dinner at the Olive Garden, our favorite.
We never got to go.
(My heart just caved in on that last line)
My grief wants me to cry out with “whys” and “what-ifs”.
My heart aches with regrets.. “Why didn’t I go to their house on Labor Day?”, “why did I wait till Marisa’s birthday 6 days later to give mom her birthday card?”, “why did I yell at her when I felt so strongly that SOMETHING was really wrong with her and she should not have gone to stinking Pampa ER, but to Amarillo instead?!?!?”

I know we kind of had our goodbyes… But I still have so many regrets. I miss her like a person would miss a hand… Daily I have had to learn to function without her…. 11 months worth of struggle… And though the tears are less often, the pain will always be present.
Wish I could call you this morning mom! I love you!

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