Archive for August, 2019

How to love a broken girl.

How many would benefit from an instruction book for that? Its easy to love the carefree girls, the “normal” girls, the confident girls, but what about the broken girls? The girls with fortresses around their heart and shields in their eyes? The girls whose souls have aged beyond their earthly years? The girls with bodies and minds that have survived wars which would break the strongest of men? Sometimes these girls should come with a warning label. The warning pendulum swings both ways.

This warning is not only for how you must treat her but for all the ways she will ruin you.

1. You cannot love her gently. She does not realize she deserves to be loved. You must love her with a force that can crush mountains. You must burn her soul so hot with your love that doubt melts away. Your love must be unconditional and you must show her on her very worst days.

2. She doesn’t know shes beautiful. She can get compliments all day and she won’t believe it. There is a demon on her shoulder whispering that its not true. It takes a dozen compliments to erase one hurtful torment from her past. Shower her with compliments, be her cheerleader, until your words are her heartbeat instead of her doubts.

3. Chase her. I know we often have the attitude of not chasing anyone. I know it is said to be weak if we chase someone who walks away, but we need to see you are weak for us. Sometimes a broken girl needs to see how much you need her. She needs to.see that vulnerability in your eyes to feel ok. We need you to need us.

4. She needs routine. Broken girls over analyze everything. They notice everything, too. Did you stop asking her for pictures after some time passes? Did you stop using a pet name? Every broken pattern to us means the end of the only thing we have ever wanted and it terrifies us.

5. Smother us with affection. Touch us. Kiss us. Touch us some more. Broken girls have not experienced enough positive affection in their life. We will absorb every ounce as a person dying of thirst demands water. You cannot ever shower us with enough of a good touch.

6. Be honest and keep promises. Broken girls have not dared to dream much. Every vow made to us has been broken. Every promise has been a lie. We would rather you never let a promise escape your lips than have you utter false ones.

7. Prepare to drown. If we let you inside our chaotic soul, you will be immersed in a madness you will not understand. We almost always walk the balance beam of insanity and sometimes we fall.

The biggest warning we should have is this.. if we love you, it is forever. We will love you with a loyalty that will amaze you. We will be committed and our heart will beat your name. While we are still broken we will try to devour all of your pain. We will be perceptive to your wounds and eager to heal your soul. If we love you, please be prepared that we will forever stay. We will make mistakes, we will be hard to hold smd way too much to handle at times, but we will forever be devoted to the love we feel in you.

{I personally did not write this, but I could have…}

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So evidently my actions, reactions, thoughts and feelings are completely textbook.


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They say when you are battling addiction it’s always one step forward and two steps back. I’m guessing it’s similar when you are in recovery from childhood abuse and domestic abuse.

I had gotten so comfortable in my life, so secure in my title of “survivor” that I had forgotten my skills of how to actually survive. I have been living in such a constant and normal (to me) state of mild trauma, that when BIG trauma hit I became discombobulated and completely lost my footing. I slipped and fell… tumbling straight into old habits and even old feelings of shame, unworthiness and self destruction.

It happened so easily I didn’t even recognize the signs. They could have been flashing neon… but I missed each one. First off there was the need for a drink or two at the hotel upon arrival. (Overwhelmed by all the sick kids in wheelchairs with feeding tubes and other equally scary medical apparatus). Then there was the attention seeking along with the alcohol. (Both support people we’re unavailable and unable to talk so I started shutting down crawling into myself, drinking to numb out). I further shut down the more intense the medical information became. Drinking became the new need the best comfort and the airport was a great place to indulge. Then there was the codependency I felt at the sliver of connection I had with a mere acquaintance . (Neighbor was sad and lonely on his birthday, his mother hadn’t even called. My nurturing nature kicked in to overdrive and regrettably I flew right past that bright red sign).

Im realizing now as I read my books, listen to podcasts and talk to my therapist… that I will never be “cured” of my past… of my pain, of my need to numb. That PTSD is real, trauma is residual and I will need to constantly and consistently be vigilant in my journey if I’m going to stay a true survivor.

As for the tumble I took in my process these past few weeks… forgiveness is a great place to start. I’ve got to be kind to myself, forgive that hurt little girl deep down inside… to realize I’m doing the best I can. I also need to look into myself and watch for those signs when the trauma cycle is high… that’s the most important

Oh, and avoid the neighbor. No doubt.

Trauma and pain is not my excuse for hurting the people I love, but it is my reason for becoming who I am today. I just need to continue my path and stay a survivor.

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Oh no I see
A spider web it’s tangled up with me
And I lost my head
And thought of all the stupid things I said
Oh no what’s this
A spider web and I’m caught in the middle
So I turned to run
The thought of all the stupid things I’ve done
And I never meant to cause you trouble
And I never meant to do you wrong
And ah well if I ever caused you trouble
Oh no I never meant to do you harm
Oh no I see
A spider web and it’s me in the middle
So I twist and turn
Here am I in my little bubble
Singing out
I never meant to cause you trouble
And I never meant to do you wrong
And ah well if I ever caused you trouble
And oh no I never meant to do you harm
They spun a web for me
They spun a web for me
They spun a web for me

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Where did that come from? What did I do? This knee jerk reaction just to make a mess of… who? Was it my version of cutting? A self-inflicted gunshot to the heart? Things were out of control, things were heavy… I was in distress. So I take this loaded gun and put it to my chest, pull the trigger, feel the pleasure of the bullet sliding between my lips, I ignore the voices in my head screaming stop… I might as well have driven off that cliff for all the damage I just did. Impulsive and stupid, I react without cause. Pain is always there but in a way I prefer it magnified. So I swing the gun around as I consider my options. devious or innocent, which way does it decide.

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What’s wrong? Why are you crying?

Because I am the saddest person you’ve ever met.

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I need to feel alive! To feel my soul expand with the brush of flames against my skin. I need to feel consumed, enveloped in pleasure and explored. Savor my skin with your kisses and devour my lust with your touch. I need to feel beautiful, my skin hot beneath your breath, to feel desired by your soul and an ache in your depths.

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Pay Attention To Me!!! I silently scream in my head, expecting him to hear and come running. To save me from my self, my self inflicted pain, my self imposed torture. How dare he not notice the sadness in my eyes, the shudder in my voice? What’s wrong, he asked me… nothing, I’m fine.

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“i am unstable, sometimes melancholy, and have been called on some occasions imperious; but i never did an ungenerous act in my life. i sympathise warmly with others, and have wasted my heart in their love”

-mary Shelly

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Dark waters

Every once in a while I must dip my toes into the dark waters of the deep end. To feel the thrill of the cold liquid on my flesh, the kiss of a new sensation. I touch gently at first, for I fear the pull of the water. If I fall in, i am at its mercy, a mere blameless victim. But if I dive in head first, I’m a monster.

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