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Archive for May, 2020

It comes on like a cold

an ache or a pain deep within.

maybe a niggle in the back of your mind,

like a tickle, but not that nice.

Or it comes on like a fever

slowly moving through your limbs

like a thunderstorm, rumbling as it moves

slowly, heavy with memories.

Then a clap of thunder

and a trorrent of tears release

sorrow, pain, thoughts, shame.

Then the all consuming darkness comes

as the slow burn of regret sets in,

a soaking heavy fog that settles in for days.

Just as the storm eases, letting you come up for air

you don’t see a rainbow or an antibiotic in the distance,

no magical cure to rid yourself of future storms.

Just a bright glaring sun that exposes all your shadows

spills your secrets and burns your tender flesh.

Leaving you raw and exhausted

never really knowing when the next storm will hit…

but fearing it could be contagious, someday.

or fatal

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For My Children

No one knows much about the violence it took for me to become this gentle.

This magical.

This full of empathy and light.

Many of us grew up, not with mothers but with abusers… users.

We are still hurt.

We are still triggered daily.

We are still healing, and it will never end.

Some of us wake up in the morning and realize the only work that matters is to be a stronger woman than we were yesterday… instead of sinking into self-induced denial.

We heal for our children and grandchildren, it’s the greatest work of our human experience, the great work of our lifetime.

I’ve done extended time in the shadows dancing with my mother’s demons, and my grandmothers, and her mothers, and so on…

I have removed my mother’s knife from my own back and used it to clear a brave new path for my children.

Tenderly putting a salve on wounds of my past so that I may be present in their futures.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do; carry myself to the light of healing, but I’ve been doing it my entire life. I am exhausted. That’s a total understatement. Holy FUCK, I am tired in my bones from this healing of generational sadness and anger.

When It gets too heavy, my child, and you feel your own self slipping… Please try to remember what sparked my healing journey… You.

It’s the endless courage and boundless love I have filled for you in that cup that is your heart, and know that healing comes in waves for us all and if all you can do today is float, that’s ok.. floating is in our journey also.

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I want you to hold me

For all the times you weren’t’ able to be there.

I love the feel of your arms

the tenderness in the way you wrap me

warm in your embrace

resting you chin atop my head

letting me cry out the pain and shame and hurt

from all those years passed

from all those moments I felt so alone

for all those times people have hurt me

crushed me

broke me

I want you to hold me

I want you to make me feel safe from traumas you weren’t even there for

I want to feel you absorb my pain and rid it from my flesh

I want you to hold me

to hold me as I grow and change and morph into

the woman I am meant to be

the strong woman you see before you is still just a

scared damaged little girl inside

I want you to hold me

and hold me tighter

for all the time you may not be there to hold me in the future

~c&f

 

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This is the light of the mind, cold and planetary
The trees of the mind are black. The light is blue.
The grasses unload their griefs on my feet as if I were God
Prickling my ankles and murmuring of their humility

Fumy, spiritous mists inhabit this place.
Separated from my house by a row of headstones.
I simply cannot see where there is to get to.

The moon is no door. It is a face in its own right,
White as a knuckle and terribly upset.
It drags the sea after it like a dark crime; it is quiet
With the O-gape of complete despair. I live here.
Twice on Sunday, the bells startle the sky —
Eight great tongues affirming the Resurrection

At the end, they soberly bong out their names.

The yew tree points up, it has a Gothic shape.
The eyes lift after it and find the moon.
The moon is my mother. She is not sweet like Mary.
Her blue garments unloose small bats and owls.
How I would like to believe in tenderness –
The face of the effigy, gentled by candles,
Bending, on me in particular, its mild eyes.

I have fallen a long way. Clouds are flowering
Blue and mystical over the face of the stars

Inside the church, the saints will all be blue,
Floating on their delicate feet over the cold pews,
Their hands and faces stiff with holiness.

The moon sees nothing of this. She is bald and wild.
And the message of the yew tree is blackness – blackness and silence.

~Sylvia Plath

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Keep Moving

 

“Remember: the word “courage” comes from the Latin “cor,” meaning “heart.” So big-hearted means not only kind, not only generous but also brave. As your heart grows, so does your courage. Keep moving.” ~Maggie Smith, poet

Is what I’m doing really “reinventing myself”, or is this just turning the page and beginning a new chapter of my life?

Is this new life going to be the change that catapults me into who I really want to be? Or is it just a pause, a comma, a breath between notes?

Reinvention is a pretty scary word. It really means to break down, tear apart, and rebuild to better suit your desires.

So, in reinventing my life, I must first tear it down, take out the pieces I don’t like, keep in the ones I do… and rebuild.

But to take away the things I don’t like… it’s really not that hard, or even really that big. If I just remove the one thing that I really don’t like, it is to remove my job at the library.

With the removal of that one thing, I remove all the negativity of my life. My life centers around that job in many ways, the stability of income, friendships with patrons, feelings of importance, a stable schedule of daily expectations.

But the negativity outweighs the positivity.  I was bringing home the negativity of that toxic environment. It was being reflected in my daily health, reactions, thoughts, parenting, and mental health.

So the removal of that one area, albeit a large area, is not so much a reinvention of who I am.. It’s more of a new chapter unfolding. It’s a new challenge to see where I can find these feelings of stability within myself, while still being able to provide an income to support my family.

So really, I’ve been here before, this starting over, this redirection of sorts, and it isn’t even as large and looming as some of my past chapters. I have a support system, I have my health, I have a little financial wiggle room, I have my will to survive and to survive well…

I’m really going to be fine, I just need to remember to keep moving away from the negative. I need to remember to be proud of myself for what I accomplished in these past chapters, and to just reread these… not relive these.

Reinvention is just too big of a word to use for this situation. It’s more of a taking out the trash and cleaning house.  Throw away the stuff I don’t need anymore. Cleaning up space to prepare for the new chapter that will be opening up soon. And most importantly… JUST KEEP MOVING!

 

 

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