Archive for the ‘cancer’ Category

My sweet Cable Guy lost his best friend to cancer a few days ago.

He was only 38.

We have both struggled during this mans fight, with questions of our own mortality and how we hope to continue on with this life we have been blessed with. I can speak only for myself (since my Cable Guy doesn’t speak all that much….) when I say, “I want to make this life count“.

I don’t want to find myself: 70 years old, over weight, sitting in a chair wishing for my youth back. This is what I see my poor daddy doing, and its heart breaking. I want to live life to its fullest. I want to travel, love, live, enjoy! I want to accomplish all of my 40 goals so at 50 I can do it all over again!

I still can’t eat very much, my tummy is still just too upset. Besides the stress from leaving my job, now I have a plumbing problem that will cost me a little over $2500. on Monday.

I am very scared about where the money will come from, but it looks like the Seattle road trip is off, indefinitely:( I guess the remainder of my goals will have to be simple and cost-free… I guess… darn it
(My mom is also sick again, please pray and send healing thoughts her way.)


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For those of you that have followed my posts, no, my mother did not die.  Yes, she is very ill, and her days are pretty well numbered… but she has not made the physical leap to the hereafter just yet.  No, the year I am talking about is a metaphorical year.  So… on that note….

The year without my mother. 

 I have learned a lot about myself this past year.  I have learned that I am strong, resilient, independent, and most of all I am not my mother.

I had spent the last 36 years trying to please my mother.  I have worked very hard to make her proud, earn her love and praise.  I always could measure my worth by her words, sometimes those words were sharp and cutting and I would be devastated for days.  Sometimes those words were kind and loving and then all was right with the world.

I have raised my children according to “moms” opinion.  I have been single because mom doesn’t approve of any type of relationship with men, let alone non-Christian men.  I have kept my house clean based on “moms” standards.  I have cooked meals mom cooks.  I have run my life according to mom… and then one day it all started to change.

I suppose things really started changing the day mom told me she had cancer and was dying.  I was in a state of complete shock and denial.  How could she leave me? How could she do this to me? I wasn’t ready!  How was I to function on earth without my mom?  The sudden reality that came to mind was “who am I if I am not my mothers baby?”

As mom started her first round of chemo, my attitude towards her started to change.  Not for the worse or anything like that.  We remained close, but it changed in a way that I feel was almost a maturing on my part.  I became less dependant on her and started taking on the role of caregiver and supporter.  I stopped being “Mommy’s baby” in a sense and became her friend.

Not long after that I started opening up to other people in my life.  Mom was no longer the center of my universe.  I realized that she would not always be here, so it was time I had some friends that I could depend on when that loss came.  My strongest friendship has been that of the Cable Guy, and that friendship is one I treasure every day.  I have also found a renewed friendship in my dad.  He has needed me more than I ever thought he would.  I have become his greatest confidant when he is feeling depressed or tired.  He loves mom so very much!

So during this year of my maturing and growth, my poor mother has just been battling to survive.  She has put up an admirable fight with such dignity and strength.  I am so proud of her!  It has been a hard year for her, but an enlightening year for me.

I realised, while  I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner for my family, the Cable Guy and his son, just how far I have come in one year.  I have changed so much.  I have a grown up relationship with my mom, and its better than it ever has been.  I know her health is still very fragile and I realize I could lose her any day now.  However the feelings of peace I have now towards that end, helps me see that I can live without her and that I will go on to live a productive life and actually a happy life on my own.  I am not ready to lose her right this minute, but I will be ok.

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Just been extremely busy.  My momma has been gravely ill, almost passed away on us last week.  But she is slowly recovering and things are claming down a bit.  I can tell I haven’t been writing, my mind is so jumbled and full of randomness.  I hope to purge some of it soon… but until then, just know I am still alive 🙂  And, know that my Cable Guy has really stepprd up and been there for me during this past few weeks… he is amazing, and I know he loves me… he is showing it in so many ways! mY HEART IS SO VERY HAPPY 🙂

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