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Archive for the ‘desire’ Category

How do I blame you

For something you will never understand?

Accusations slip cautiously from my lips

only to land on misunderstanding ears.

Thoughts tumble thick and messy like birds battering inside my head

while your scant words lie stagnate and solitary in yours.

The words of love and affection which I hunger to hear

are stopped by the fortress walls built around your unyielding heart.

I silently scream for your attention, waving and imploring… making a disastrous scene

as you turn away your cotton filled ears and dive into your ocean of ambiguous retorts.

~c&f

 

 

 

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Underneath..

Peel away my skin and discover the copper underneath it – gleaming so brightly it is hard to stare at, but impossible to pull away from.

It is desired and desirable, yet only acquirable through the excruciating art of learning not to dismiss pain, but to embrace it.

Let it run right through you, feel it scarring your skin and tainting your blood.

Recognize it, confront it, don’t let it beat you.

Never let it conquer you.

Then peel away your own and see it glimmer – gold, brass, silver, copper –

glinting so divinely in the sun of your own strength.

~c&f

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The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd – The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.

— Fernando Pessoa

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Love is not something that always stays, no matter how hard you try to tether it, hold on to it, keep it safe, It can still slip through your fingers like sand.  Slipping slowly through these fractures of time and distance. The more you try to keep it from tumbling away… the faster it seems to flee, catching in the breeze, and disappearing into places unreachable.

This love that is leaving, is not the love that He has for me, it is, in fact  the love I have and feel for him that is slipping so surely and steadily away.

The longer he continues to place these restrictions on my heart, on my words, on me as a person, the more surly my love will slip away.  He does not mean to hurt me, he is never vicious in his dismissal. Ignorance and selfishness are his only true crimes.  His way of loving simply differs from mine. My words reach his ears in a foreign tongue that, no matter how hard he tries, he will never… quite… get.

Cracks and gaps are created by words he has said in thoughtless moments of haste.  Gorges of dark pain carve their way through my heart with every uncaring word.  Dry craters form with every dismissal, every change of subject, every day I spend in forced silence.

Pain should never be dismissed, no matter how trivial it may seem. The person that is in pain is trusting you enough to bear their secret, admit their weakness, voice their pain.  Once that admittance is out there it is the receiver’s responsibility to tenderly acknowledge that pain.

If the pain is not acknowledged, if that pain is mocked, dismissed, ignored or silenced… then the receiver has broken that sacred trust. Any further thoughts one might have in trusting this person, after this invalidation occurs, will simply be met with a resounding “BANG” in their head.  Doors are shut, mouth is sewn closed, and heart cracks become just a little more prominent.

Can these cracks be mended? I am sure they could, with the right apology, a certain amount of caring and, of course, no further damaging actions.  Is he willing to rectify these cracks? Is he willing to build up my trust in him? I don’t really see this as something he has even entertained, as of yet.  He has apologized.  He even felt bad for almost 20 minutes.  What more do I need?

It’s one thing to be dismissed by a friend, or a family member that keeps a distance. It is a whole other level of pain when that dismissal comes from the one person that supposedly knows you better than any other person on the earth.

When they do betray your heart, ignore your pain.. it is just as lethal as any poison.  Festering and killing you slowly from the inside out. Sure, you can build up a tolerance over time, but, who wants to build up a tolerance to something like that?

So, does this damaged heart start the daunting task of finding a whole new person, a person that may better understand them? I can’t do that, fear is a whole other problem in itself!

Maybe I can learn to repeatedly overlook this flaw of his. Simply, try to love my offender regardless, seeing as I have already invested so much time and know I love him. I will work diligently to not show this tender heart of mine. The heart that’s always silently cracking, beating irregular, pained, beats over and over and over again.

Can I stop owning up to the pain of this secret, inner struggle? Could I really stop giving a voice to my turmoil and eventually learn to keep mute at these times?
Could I really mirror his actions and simply learn to dismiss my pain, keep my words trite, and just live out my remaining years, comfortable and safe and in a veritable Love Coma, repeating to him… to myself… reiteratively with every beat of my aching heart, “I’m fine” “I’m fine”, “I’m fine.”

Broken-Heart-Backgrounds-Wallpaper

 

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“I Don’t Wanna Love Somebody Else”
(A Great Big World)

Oh, I built a world around you
Oh, you had me in a dream,
I lived in every word you said
The stars had aligned
I thought that I found you
And I don’t wanna love somebody else

Oh, we left it all unspoken
Oh, we buried it alive
and now it’s screaming in my head
Oh, I shouldn’t go on hoping
Oh, that you will change your mind
and one day we could start again
Well I don’t care if loneliness kills me
I don’t wanna love somebody else

Oh, I thought that I could change you
Oh, I thought that we would be the greatest story that I tell
I know that it’s time to tell you it’s over
But I don’t wanna love somebody else

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Boundry

I’m sitting here, sunk as low in my chair as I can go without snapping my neck.

My coffee cup lies empty, wafting ghostly aromas around my desk.

I’m oddly aware of the noise of the airconditioning and the tappity-click of my fingers on the keyboard. I’m uncomfortably aware of the throbbing in my neck, shoulders and eyes. I’ve been sitting here for hours. And nothing.

I’ve been trying to write, you see.

I’ve been trying to find the right phrases, words, anything.

Anything to take these ephemeral experiences and give them body & weight. And nothing.

All that comes to me is physical reminders and alarms of a body that’s aching for rest. A mind too, that refuses to work unless set upon something it enjoys. The voice of reason makes it’s way slowly through the sludge.

It is the only voice I now possess. I hate it. It brings little comfort, if any.

All it says is “should”. Or actually “should have”.

For all the wonderful words I know, why can I never learn the meaning of ‘boundary’? And then learn to follow it’s meaning.

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“A mighty pain to love it is,
And ’tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain.”
~Abraham Cowely

Loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life…
Sometimes, you think you’re already over a person, But when you see them smile at you, you’ll suddenly realize that you’re just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again…

For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person…
Some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else… Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love – love is always present. It’s just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little…

As we all know the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that’s the reason why the heart is not always right…
Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them, we are just for past times, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger…

So here’s a piece of advice: Let go when you’re hurting too much. Give up when love isn’t enough, and move on when things are not like before… For sure, there is someone out there who will love you even more…”

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