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Archive for the ‘dreams’ Category

Boundry

I’m sitting here, sunk as low in my chair as I can go without snapping my neck.

My coffee cup lies empty, wafting ghostly aromas around my desk.

I’m oddly aware of the noise of the airconditioning and the tappity-click of my fingers on the keyboard. I’m uncomfortably aware of the throbbing in my neck, shoulders and eyes. I’ve been sitting here for hours. And nothing.

I’ve been trying to write, you see.

I’ve been trying to find the right phrases, words, anything.

Anything to take these ephemeral experiences and give them body & weight. And nothing.

All that comes to me is physical reminders and alarms of a body that’s aching for rest. A mind too, that refuses to work unless set upon something it enjoys. The voice of reason makes it’s way slowly through the sludge.

It is the only voice I now possess. I hate it. It brings little comfort, if any.

All it says is “should”. Or actually “should have”.

For all the wonderful words I know, why can I never learn the meaning of ‘boundary’? And then learn to follow it’s meaning.

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I am not the actual Walter Mitty from the movie, no.

I am certainly not the bumbling, silly, goofy, Walter Mitty from the 1947 movie.

I am most certainly not the 1937 version from James Thurber’s classic short story.

No, I am not THAT Walter Mitty… However; I am A version of Walter Mitty.  A paradox of sorts.  I am a complex version of similar, different, longing and urgency.

I am Walter Mitty.

I have lived a muted version of myself for a very long time now.

I have done my duties, as a mother and a daughter, to the best of my abilities. I am aware that I am not finished with those duties.  I am constantly aware I am not ever going to be “finished” with these duties.

I am aware though, that I constantly have a nagging, persistent dream to “break out” of this protective shell and burst forward with my adventure.

I will be 40 in April.

I started a new blog about a year ago called “40 Things to do Before I Turn 40″… I have not posted to this blog, or even visited this site in over 6 months.

I lost my hope.

I lost my drive.

I lost my focus.

I am once again mute.

Something about this movie, about Walter Mitty, started to hit a nerve.  I have started to smolder once again with the dreams for adventure and travel.

No, I do not care to run off to Iceland or Greenland or Afghanistan..

I do, however want to get back to planning my trip to Washington.

I do want to go on long hikes in the mountains.

I do wish to learn to fly fish and kayak.

I do want to write my book/s

I DO WANT TO LIVE!

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I want to become the best version of myself! I do want to write somebody’s favorite book! I do want to smile again… and MEAN IT!

I have so much healing to do.  I have so many invisible fences to hurdle, so many brick walls to tear down… but I think I can do this.  I am only 40… I am ONLY 40! I have years of life left to live, and I want to keep life in focus and live it GRANDLY.

I CAN Be… Walter Freaking Mitty!

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I doubt you will find me twirling around in a lovely blue frock belting out my list with total, soprano, abandon.  However, I do have a few things I am willing to give a gentlemanly nod to… in the spirit of the season, of course.

I am comprising this list with one thing in mind; these things tend to make me smile on even the darkest of days.

I may even post a picture or two so you can smile with me.

A Few of Chirp and Flutters favorite Things

1.  Rain

rain

Not just rain, but fog, drizzle, sleet, sprinkles, storms, snow,

downpours…precipitation in general makes me smile.  The gloomier it is outside, the happier I am.

2. PUGS

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I can’t look at my little guy, Samson…. or any other Pug for that matter, without wanting to squish his little fat body and face and kiss him all over! He is the epitome of love, beauty, hillariousness, and sweetness all rolled up into a chubby little package.  (plus he is the PERFECT cuddle buddy!)

3.  Coffee and Coffee Mugs

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Self explanatory 🙂

Hence the Tumblr blog…  http://booksrainandbirds.tumblr.com

4.  Washington, the state….

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I have said it before, and I will say it again and again… I WILL live here!! I love the mountains, the ocean, the trees, the city, the music, the coffee, the flowers, the rain, the birds…. and I have never even been there.  I Will go.  I think my family is afraid for me to travel there, for fear I will never return to Texas… they have a legitimate reason to fear this 😉

5.  This guy

1003940_10151603636757286_1837259262_nHe Owns my Heart

6.  And this guy…

011Ignore the ugly girl beside him 😉

7.  Books

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So it’s a good thing for me to be working in a library

8. Trees

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Trees of all shapes, sizes, types and colors.  Fruit trees, nut trees, flowering trees, plain trees, skinny trees, old trees, new trees, ugly gnarled trees, shiny silver barked trees, pine trees, palm trees, trees with hammocks in them, tree houses, trees all alone on a hill, trees so thick you can’t move through them, trees that are dead, trees that are covered in moss, petrified trees of old, trees with bark so thick it’s an armor.  I love trees!

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I knew it was sitting there.

I could feel its weight pressing down on my brain. I could feel it as if it were fire.  I was not touching it, but I could still sense the weight of it in my purse.  There was a little over $4 thousand dollars, right there in my purse.  Blood money, free money, will money, payment for 39 years of being moms “perfect child”, her “sweet baby”.

The stress is getting worse.  The kids are compounding everything I feel.  Just like a crushed tomato tied back together with string, I still ooz and bleed with every touch, jab, word. Ready to fall apart, easier than before.

The weight of depression, hopelessness, growing faster than a storm cloud in my mind. “Why can’t we just have one day of peace? Why can’t I have just a moment to think? Why can’t we just spend a day together without the fighting, the anger, the competition for my affections and favoritism?”

I am exhausted. Just thinking of a simple task like cleaning house or making the bed seem to weigh 500 pounds on my bruised brain.  I want to hide. I want to run away and hide.

The money, it’s right there.  It’s ready to burn my hand the moment I touch it.  I’m supposed to use it for bills, Christmas.. the kids, not me… not for myself, the kids.  Don’t touch it.

I slowly pull myself up in the bed.  I glance at the alarm clock, 2:30p.m.  I had fallen here just moments ago.  My bed a rescue raft, floating in my room for me to grab onto and wail into my pillows until the hopelessness and suicidal thoughts pass on by.  My raft is still shaking, threatening to sink.  I’m screaming inside, “It’s not going to get better! It is NEVER going to get any better!”   The kids will never get “well”.  Neither one has any illness that can be cured.  I will just be stuck in this life for the remainder of mine.  The same violence, the same temper tantrums, the same emotional drainage of mom day after day.  It. Will. Never. Get. Better….

I slowly drag my aching heavy limbs out of the bed and start pulling on clothes.  The argument that had just occurred between my children and I still ravaging my brain like it’s on repeat. The same depressing mantra on repeat:  “Its happened before, it will happen again, again, again, it will happen again.”

I look around the house. It’s a disaster. You would think that my teenage daughter, seeing her mother is drowning, would at least help with the housework.  I start pulling together dirty clothes, I make separate piles of colors and observe how they look like piles of dead leaves.  I will do the laundry, I can at least do that.

I quickly start to come out of the fog, suddenly I’m on fast forward.  Laundry, sweeping, dishes, clutter… each task tackled in a mindless rush. I can at least get these things done. I can at least leave a clean house.

The kids are in the background, sighing, stomping, slamming, sniffling… each, in their own passive aggressive way, are driving the nails into my back.  “You deserted me!”  “You took her side”, “you took his side”, “It’s not my fault!” “It’s all his fault/Her fault/YOUR fault!!” Each silent accusation a dart going into my skin. I ignore each dart with a disinterest, a tear slipping out silently instead.  “Don’t treat me like that”, I cry inside.  “I’m the one that loves you more than life!” “I’m the only one that understands you, but I’m tired!! Don’t yell at me, don’t hurt me! It hurts to be used like an emotional punching bag” “it hurts, It hurts, I HURT!!!”

Instead, I just keep cleaning, tears running down my face.  I want to run and hide, back onto my raft, back into my cave, I want to cling to the safety of the bed and hide. I keep doing the dishes.  I look out the window into the backyard.  Birds, a dog, a squirrel… things that usually make me smile instead make me feel the exhaustion of my own inner darkness.  There is such an anger in being depressed, like, how dare the sun shine when I feel such pain? Does it not care that I can only feel, can only see darkness?

Dishes, concentrate on the dishes.  Concentrate on the work.  Feed the bird, feed the dog, mop the floor, change out the laundry, feel the weight of the money in my mind, count it.. weigh it… smell it.. finish the dishes.  Finish the Dishes.

Freedom is in the weight of that money.  Freedom from everything weighing me down in this house, in this life.  It will never get better, so why stick around?  Why should I stay here and watch it all fall apart?  Why should I be the one to always have to fix, mend, tape, glue, wipe, heal… Why should I be the abused one? I can’t think, I can’t heal, I am supposed to be “momma’s STRONG girl” but my strength was obviously buried along with my mother.  It’s holding her hand in the cold darkness, it is certainly not holding my hand as I struggle to stay afloat.

I finish the dishes, I continue to stand at the sink, the moment has come.  The moment that entered my thoughts as soon as the money hit my hands.  Turn around, walk out the door, fill up the car and just go… just GO…. Walk out the door… WALK OUT THE DOOR…

I can’t seem to move.  Whats the problem?!?! Why am I not doing what I should, what I want, What I know will keep my children safe.  I am the problem, I am the reason their life is so chaotic and horrible.. I should leave, let them move on, let someone more stable and healthy deal with their needs.. I Should Just Leave.

I slowly turn around, away from the sink, away from my old life, away from the accusations and the pain. I turn, I turn away and find myself looking at the alarm clock, the alarm clock beside my bed… 2:35 p.m.

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So I posted this on Face Book last night before work:
Have you ever wanted to tell somebody something… so badly…. so badly it makes your stomach twist and your knees shaky…. so bad it hurts… but you can’t… so you just stay quiet and smile… although your heart is in pain? Oh… ya, me neither.   (((sigh)))
However all night I had trouble concentrating on my work, finally around 3:00 a.m. I sat down and wrote what I would say to the CG if he ever noticed this fb post and cornered me on it…. I imagine it would go something like this:
 Cable Guy:  “So what is it you want to say to me?”
(Long Pause)
Me:   (gathering up the courage)
“Well….
I want to say…. 
 I Love You. 
I want to say…
it’s time to stop messing with my feelings and treating this like a high school romance and realize what you have.
We have lost each other once before… and I am willing to do almost anything to not lose you again… almost. 
I just need some acknowledgement that you care, you are here for me 100%, through thick and thin… 
I need to know you are willing to work on this thing with us and not keep one foot out the door so you can bail the minute it gets hard.  I need to feel stable, feel precious to you.. not like I am just something you tolerate because you don’t want to be alone when Brock moves out.
I want to be able to tell my son that you are there for him, and belive it. I don’t want him to lose you the way Brock lost me when he was 9. 
I am your biggest fan. 
I am your best friend. 
I am the only person that has stuck by you and forgiven you and not left you and I want a little thanks and recognition of that.  I love you. 
I don’t want to move you in this instant… but I do want to be an option in you mind. 
I never feel I am funny enough, smart enough, pretty enough….   Yes… you touch me and hold me like you care, but you push me away with your words…
I want you to trust that I will never hurt you.  I want to feel safe that you will never hurt me. 
I want you to belive that you are “it” in my eyes..
you are the moon and the stars for me… and that will never change.
I felt this way when we were apart…
I still feel this way now. 
 I love you.
That is  what I want you to know…
If only I could tell you.

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“You can make it happen”

This statement comes from a questionable source, but it resounded in my head over and over after I read it.

With everything I have thought and felt these past few months, I find this to be very possibly true.  I have thought in more positive ways, and my life has become a more positive place to be.  I have basically decided my life is a pretty happy, blessed place.:)

It’s nice to be at this point! After many, many, many years of negative, depressing,  problems after problems… I have finally come to a point of stability and security in my life.  I base a lot of this feeling on the fact that the Cable Guy and I are back together.  But it also has to do with the kids being happy for the most part, and my house situation being stable finally.

I do have a few dreams though, dreams of things for the future.  Dreams that I hope continue on and happen further on down the road so that life continues to stay this stable and safe for many years to come.

Some of these dreams may seem silly and not even like a dream to many of you. But to me, these thoughts are very important to me and to my mental state.

I remember once long ago, I read something in a christian dating book.  It was about getting what you ask for.  It was mainly about finding the partner you desire, kind of a “special order” type thing.  You know, stuff like….  “write on a piece of paper things you are looking for in a partner.  Specific things such as traits (eye color, height, build, hair color…etc) but also things like personality (good sense of humor, kind, loving, laid back).”  So I did it.  I wrote these down, read it every night before I went to bed, and slept with it under my pillow.

I didn’t really think about it after a few weeks, I got side tracked by life and forgot about it.  I started dating someone, not who I wished for btw, and lost sight of my “dream”.

Then one day, almost two years and one son later, I was cleaning my room and moved my bed to the other wall.  There on the floor was the “wish list”.   On that late winter afternoon I sat in the floor of my room laughing hysterically at my list.  I was laughing, because everything I asked for in the list had seemed to show up in form of my newborn son!  I still have the list, and even the traits that were not quite as noticeable at that time are now glaringly there! HA!  (I could look at it now and compare it to the Cable Guy also, and most everything is true for him also, but at the time it was very funny to think maybe I had given birth to the man of my dreams!) LOL

Anyway, back on the track of dreaming things into reality.  I have decided this list would be a good project for me to do now.  For my future dreams.  It’s a little too personal to post on here the things I will be dreaming for, but I can tell you they all tend to go towards a happy, stable future with the CG; healthy, happy kids; and a trip to Seattle! LOL

But you know, it may seem silly, dreams and wishes…. but it’s worked so far, so why not? 🙂

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