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Archive for the ‘kids’ Category

More Parenting Fun….

 

My daughter has been challenging me since she was 2 years old!  And I thought life was tough then!  She is now  17… I have never felt such sadness and depression any other time in my life.  Some of the things she says to me, I don’t even have an  answer or comeback to!  How do they get so manipulative?  She thinks she knows everything and that I am just a bad/strict/mean mother!  Nobody else’s parents want to know where they are, who they are with, what they are doing, home at curfew,  oh, the list could go on.  It has been going on for y e a r s . . .  I have laid down every punishment.  NOTHING matters to her.  She plays the blame game.  She is never responsible for her actions.  It is ALWAYS my fault. I have cried so many nights.  Now I have almost removed myself from the situation.  I make sure she knows I love her, but she is still so hurtful & hateful when I catch her breaking the rules or lying about something and have to punish her. I try to explain why things are the way they are but she never listens, it is just me being a horrible mother.   I just want some respect and consideration.  I am NOT a strict parent.  I just want her to be safe.

Last night it got so bad between my daughter and I that it became physical and she bit my arm (drew blood).  My poor sweet 8-year-old son witnessed it all.  The only reason she is still in my home is because she has no where else to go, he dad has not contacted her since she was 12 (major part of her problem… abandonment issues), and she babysits when I work 3 nights a week.  But now she has even stopped doing that, leaving my son to his own devices and not even staying home when I am gone! I am at my wit’s end.  She will be 18 in Sept, but still has another year of HS… Ugh! How am I going to do this for another year?

I am at a loss….  I am defeated.

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Really, Who am I kidding? Certainly not myself!

I mean, who am I to think I can break down the brick walls of depression and self deprecation that my teenage daughter has built up over the years?

I’m ONLY her mother.  I’m ONLY the one person on this earth that has tried to protect, love and raise for the last 17 years.  But, according to her I have not done this job correctly.  I have not been there for her. I do not understand her mind and I am the reason for all that is bad in this world.

My heart hurts, my head hurts, my feelings hurt.  She has wounded me mortally.  I am tired of trying.  But, then the nightmare of losing her to suicide jerked me out of sleep this morning, and I realize I am not done… I never will be.

I have tried to save this girl since the day I conceived her.  Her father tried to kill her numerous times, and left me to heal the rubble.  I have kept her safe and loved her through all of her anger, depression, obstinance, disrespect and most unlovable of moods.  She has used me as her punching bag both verbally and physically…. and just like a beat down woman in an abusive marriage, I have returned time and time again for more.

But now it comes down to the choice… do I continue to suffer and put up with this behavior? Or do I save myself and my son and move the girl out?  Counseling is not a choice, unless its to send her to a live in facility.  She has always just told counselors and therapists what they want to hear.  She doesn’t let anyone see her true self, except for me.  I am privileged that way. (((sigh)))

Whats a mother to do?

 

 

 

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Happy Girl…

It’s soooo very nice to finally have a happy heart!  To not have tears ready to release at any moment due to confusion or loneliness.  The CG has turned out to be the most patient, kind, funny and perfect partner for me.  I am sooo happy and in love.  My mind is finally quiet, in that area.

Now, as for the teenage daughter…  Ugh!

I have so much to write and so much to get off my heart, but I can’t do it right now because the daughter could read it and I don’t want her to take my venting to heart and think she is broken or  weird.  I just need to vent, as a mother.. out of frustration and out of depression of losing the little girl that I have protected from evil for 17 years.

Lots of confusion and hurt feelings these days, but I am so thankful to have the CG to be by my side. 🙂  He has turned out to be my biggest fan, and I needed that more than anything in this world!

I love him so much! He is the best! 🙂

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I noticed today, that in the past few months, I have has some very strange, face-to-face, occurrences with old memories.  Not necessarily good memories either.  Some have come in the form of past friends that the friendship went sour for one reason or another… to similar past incidents happening to others that have reminded me of my violent marriage.

It seems that these memories have come flooding back more often, since the Cable Guy and I have become happier.  Could there be a correlation between the two?  Am I feeling safe enough in my heart to revisit some memories and then put them away for good?  Am I just realizing the similarity because the Cable Guy would never put me through these tough, violent situations?  Why now? What purpose does this serve to go back into my painful history and visit?

Let me elaborate on one particular memory that happened to slap me upside the head this morning.

A patient came into the ER at 21 weeks pregnant because her husband ran over her with his car.  According to her, he was trying to get “rid” of the baby because he didn’t belive it was his.  (He has two sons from his first marriage… this baby is a girl).  So, what does any nice, West Texas boy do? He gets drunk and runs over his wife with his Ford Taurus.  Luckily he missed her belly and the baby will be ok.  The mom, on the other hand, was a complete wreck.  Now she has to decide if she will go back in to that situation.  Will she go to a women’s shelter and press charges?  She is all alone in this town and has nowhere to turn.  Who ends up consoling her and listening to her go on and on about the abuse?  Yup, good ole’ me.

I had a sympathetic ear and a connection to her ,you see, my husband tried to kill my baby 17 years ago.  No, he didn’t run over me with the car, albeit he would have if he had the chance! No, he didn’t use the car, but he did throw me around, hit me, punch me in the belly, kidnap me and take me to the local cemetery to stab me and leave me for dead. …….

But I digress.  What I mean to say, is I too was a victim of spousal abuse.  I to know the betrayal one feels when the one that vows to love you forever and ever decides he is tired of you and would really rather kill you than see you in the mornings with your glasses on.  It’s a horrible realization that your husband wants to kill you, or even hurt you…. when all you wanted to do was make things perfect and happy.

I have come a very long way in my recovery.  My healing has taken well over 17 years now.  I have even had short periods of actual forgiveness and even timid friendship with him…. at least to the point of getting along for the “daughters sake”.  It only lasted a few years, since he decided to disappear as soon as she turned 12.  Then the feelings of betrayal and abandonment resurfaced with a vengeance.

17 years….   17 years it has taken me to fully trust and love a man with my whole heart.  It’s almost like I am a wild animal, finally learning to trust the timid, gentle hand that has fed me and petted me consistently.  The CG has done this for me.  He has treated my tender, scared heart with kid gloves…. just like it needs.  I, in return, have done the same for his heart which is also bruised and scared.  I really feel we are good together in so many ways.

I hope this poor mother finds that kind of love and tenderness somewhere in her future. I hope she to can heal and discover the kind of love that I have discovered.  I pray she doesn’t return to this S.O.B. and end up hurt, killed or lose a child to him!  But we all have to learn in this life… that’s the whole reason we are here isn’t it? To learn? I hope my hard lessons are just about over and from here on out I will learn with my CG by my side.

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“You can make it happen”

This statement comes from a questionable source, but it resounded in my head over and over after I read it.

With everything I have thought and felt these past few months, I find this to be very possibly true.  I have thought in more positive ways, and my life has become a more positive place to be.  I have basically decided my life is a pretty happy, blessed place.:)

It’s nice to be at this point! After many, many, many years of negative, depressing,  problems after problems… I have finally come to a point of stability and security in my life.  I base a lot of this feeling on the fact that the Cable Guy and I are back together.  But it also has to do with the kids being happy for the most part, and my house situation being stable finally.

I do have a few dreams though, dreams of things for the future.  Dreams that I hope continue on and happen further on down the road so that life continues to stay this stable and safe for many years to come.

Some of these dreams may seem silly and not even like a dream to many of you. But to me, these thoughts are very important to me and to my mental state.

I remember once long ago, I read something in a christian dating book.  It was about getting what you ask for.  It was mainly about finding the partner you desire, kind of a “special order” type thing.  You know, stuff like….  “write on a piece of paper things you are looking for in a partner.  Specific things such as traits (eye color, height, build, hair color…etc) but also things like personality (good sense of humor, kind, loving, laid back).”  So I did it.  I wrote these down, read it every night before I went to bed, and slept with it under my pillow.

I didn’t really think about it after a few weeks, I got side tracked by life and forgot about it.  I started dating someone, not who I wished for btw, and lost sight of my “dream”.

Then one day, almost two years and one son later, I was cleaning my room and moved my bed to the other wall.  There on the floor was the “wish list”.   On that late winter afternoon I sat in the floor of my room laughing hysterically at my list.  I was laughing, because everything I asked for in the list had seemed to show up in form of my newborn son!  I still have the list, and even the traits that were not quite as noticeable at that time are now glaringly there! HA!  (I could look at it now and compare it to the Cable Guy also, and most everything is true for him also, but at the time it was very funny to think maybe I had given birth to the man of my dreams!) LOL

Anyway, back on the track of dreaming things into reality.  I have decided this list would be a good project for me to do now.  For my future dreams.  It’s a little too personal to post on here the things I will be dreaming for, but I can tell you they all tend to go towards a happy, stable future with the CG; healthy, happy kids; and a trip to Seattle! LOL

But you know, it may seem silly, dreams and wishes…. but it’s worked so far, so why not? 🙂

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Just been extremely busy.  My momma has been gravely ill, almost passed away on us last week.  But she is slowly recovering and things are claming down a bit.  I can tell I haven’t been writing, my mind is so jumbled and full of randomness.  I hope to purge some of it soon… but until then, just know I am still alive 🙂  And, know that my Cable Guy has really stepprd up and been there for me during this past few weeks… he is amazing, and I know he loves me… he is showing it in so many ways! mY HEART IS SO VERY HAPPY 🙂

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