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I am not the actual Walter Mitty from the movie, no.

I am certainly not the bumbling, silly, goofy, Walter Mitty from the 1947 movie.

I am most certainly not the 1937 version from James Thurber’s classic short story.

No, I am not THAT Walter Mitty… However; I am A version of Walter Mitty.  A paradox of sorts.  I am a complex version of similar, different, longing and urgency.

I am Walter Mitty.

I have lived a muted version of myself for a very long time now.

I have done my duties, as a mother and a daughter, to the best of my abilities. I am aware that I am not finished with those duties.  I am constantly aware I am not ever going to be “finished” with these duties.

I am aware though, that I constantly have a nagging, persistent dream to “break out” of this protective shell and burst forward with my adventure.

I will be 40 in April.

I started a new blog about a year ago called “40 Things to do Before I Turn 40″… I have not posted to this blog, or even visited this site in over 6 months.

I lost my hope.

I lost my drive.

I lost my focus.

I am once again mute.

Something about this movie, about Walter Mitty, started to hit a nerve.  I have started to smolder once again with the dreams for adventure and travel.

No, I do not care to run off to Iceland or Greenland or Afghanistan..

I do, however want to get back to planning my trip to Washington.

I do want to go on long hikes in the mountains.

I do wish to learn to fly fish and kayak.

I do want to write my book/s

I DO WANT TO LIVE!

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I want to become the best version of myself! I do want to write somebody’s favorite book! I do want to smile again… and MEAN IT!

I have so much healing to do.  I have so many invisible fences to hurdle, so many brick walls to tear down… but I think I can do this.  I am only 40… I am ONLY 40! I have years of life left to live, and I want to keep life in focus and live it GRANDLY.

I CAN Be… Walter Freaking Mitty!

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When life leaves you high and dry
I’ll be at your door tonight if you need help, if you need help
I’ll shut down the city lights,
I’ll lie, cheat, I’ll beg and bribe to make you well, to make you well
When enemies are at your door I’ll carry you away from war
If you need help, if you need help
Your hope dangling by a string
I’ll share in your suffering to make you well, to make you well

Give me reasons to believe that you would do the same for me

And I would do it for you, for you
Baby I’m not moving on
I’ll love you long after you’re gone
For you, for you
You will never be alone
I’ll love you long after you’re gone
And long after you’re gone gone gone

When you fall like a statue
I’m gon’ be there to catch you
Put you on your feet, you on your feet
And if your well is empty
Not a thing will prevent me
Tell me what you need, what do you need

I surrender honestly
You’ve always done the same for me

So I would do it for you, for you
Baby I’m not moving on
I’ll love you long after you’re gone
For you, for you
You would never be alone
I’ll love you long after you’re gone
And long after you’re gone gone gone

You’re my back bone, you’re my cornerstone
You’re my crutch when my legs stop moving
You’re my headstart, you’re my rugged heart
You’re the pulse that I’ve always needed
Like a drum baby don’t stop beating
Like a drum baby don’t stop beating
Like a drum baby don’t stop beating
Like a drum my heart never stops beating

For you, for you
Baby I’m not moving on
I’ll love you long after you’re gone
For you, for you
You would never be alone
I’ll love you long after you’re gone
For you, for you
Baby I’m not moving on
I’ll love you long after you’re gone
For you, for you
You would never be alone
I’ll love you long, long after you’re gone

Like a drum baby don’t stop beating
Like a drum baby don’t stop beating
Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you
And long after you’re gone gone gone
I love you long after you’re gone gone gone….

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My sweet Cable Guy lost his best friend to cancer a few days ago.

He was only 38.

We have both struggled during this mans fight, with questions of our own mortality and how we hope to continue on with this life we have been blessed with. I can speak only for myself (since my Cable Guy doesn’t speak all that much….) when I say, “I want to make this life count“.

I don’t want to find myself: 70 years old, over weight, sitting in a chair wishing for my youth back. This is what I see my poor daddy doing, and its heart breaking. I want to live life to its fullest. I want to travel, love, live, enjoy! I want to accomplish all of my 40 goals so at 50 I can do it all over again!

I still can’t eat very much, my tummy is still just too upset. Besides the stress from leaving my job, now I have a plumbing problem that will cost me a little over $2500. on Monday.

I am very scared about where the money will come from, but it looks like the Seattle road trip is off, indefinitely:( I guess the remainder of my goals will have to be simple and cost-free… I guess… darn it
(My mom is also sick again, please pray and send healing thoughts her way.)

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Best Made Plans…

frowny-face-3d_originalAfter much planning, begging, and hint dropping, Christmas was finally upon me.  I was so very excited and hopeful that my family would  pull through and have a nice little envelope of money together towards my road trip to Seattle and Washington areas. (reference blog post Seattle or Bust)

Thats all I asked for.  I stated many times: “What you would spend on gifts for me, please just put it in an envelope towards my road trip” “Don’t get me anything, I just want money for my trip!”

Well, so my sweet, wonderful Cable Guy gets the ball rolling by buying me a Kindle Fire HD for Christmas.  $200 dollars for a gadget I never asked for.  Granted I LOVE it… but I really didn’t need it.

The next day was Christmas at my parents house.  I was so excited! Here it was! Finally I can start making some REAL plans towards my trip in June!!!

WRONG!

Gift #1:  An Owl Wall Hanging sign. From my sister.   Ummmmm… WTF?

Gift #2:  A set of 200 count bed sheets from my mom.  yea

Gift #3: A gift card to Burlington Coat Factory, for $25.00

Gift #4:  A thin gray sweater from  Chadwicks

Gift #5: A perfume sampler… I am allergic to most perfumes. 😦

And the list goes on like that.

No money, no hope of a road trip.  No mention of a road trip of any sort.

Yup, looking pretty dismal. 😦

I love my family, I really, really do… but nobody took a hint.  Nobody realises how very serious I am about wanting to visit this state! I am a little sad and a whole lot disappointed 😦

So there’s my rant.  Do I close the Seattle chapter for now?  Not real sure…  but it’s not looking good 😦

 

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The Jig is Up!

So my mother found out about my planning a road trip to Seattle.  Actually, my son is the one with the big mouth… I just had to laugh it off as a “maybe we can sometime next year” kind of thing.  You see, I may be 38 years old and lived on my own since I was 18, but my mother is still the deciding factor in most  every major decision I make.  She is the type of person that does not make rash decisions.  She does not approve of frivolity.  She is a child of the depression era, so she saves leftovers, fabric scraps, plastic baggies and pennies like they are the last of their kind.  And she does NOT think a road trip to Seattle is a good idea.

I wish so bad she understood my need to go there.  I wish I could tell her that I am getting tired of waiting to start my life!  I will most likely be moving to the Seattle area after she and daddy are gone, but I can’t tell her that.  She gets hurt feelings that I don’t love the Texas Panhandle as much as she does.  And I do love some aspects of the Panhandle.  I will always love the wheat fields, the canyons and the sunsets.  But I am so sick of the heat, the dirt, the dead dry earth, and the smell of feed lots!  I want to be where it is green and lush, mossy and it  RAINS!

My son and I went to Amarillo toady, and then to the museum in Canyon.  We had a lot of fun, but our conversation centered mainly on our trip to Seattle.  What we need to do to get ready, what car to take, what music….  we even might have to bring both the Pug and the Parrot! LOL  Can you imagine what a trip that would be? LOL

Well, back to my mom.  I am going to have to keep most of my planning on the down low, at least for now.  She will figure it out at Christmas when I ask for money and an ice chest for christmas instead of pajamas and socks. 😉

road between the wheat rows

All Images are Copy write protected by Amanda Means

A few of my favorite Texas Panhandle pictures by my favorite Photographer and friend 🙂

Clouds and Wheat
All Images are Copy write protected by Amanda Means

Cows grazing under the Harvest Moon
All Images are Copy write protected by Amanda Means

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