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Archive for the ‘sex’ Category

 

Love is not something that always stays, no matter how hard you try to tether it, hold on to it, keep it safe, It can still slip through your fingers like sand.  Slipping slowly through these fractures of time and distance. The more you try to keep it from tumbling away… the faster it seems to flee, catching in the breeze, and disappearing into places unreachable.

This love that is leaving, is not the love that He has for me, it is, in fact  the love I have and feel for him that is slipping so surely and steadily away.

The longer he continues to place these restrictions on my heart, on my words, on me as a person, the more surly my love will slip away.  He does not mean to hurt me, he is never vicious in his dismissal. Ignorance and selfishness are his only true crimes.  His way of loving simply differs from mine. My words reach his ears in a foreign tongue that, no matter how hard he tries, he will never… quite… get.

Cracks and gaps are created by words he has said in thoughtless moments of haste.  Gorges of dark pain carve their way through my heart with every uncaring word.  Dry craters form with every dismissal, every change of subject, every day I spend in forced silence.

Pain should never be dismissed, no matter how trivial it may seem. The person that is in pain is trusting you enough to bear their secret, admit their weakness, voice their pain.  Once that admittance is out there it is the receiver’s responsibility to tenderly acknowledge that pain.

If the pain is not acknowledged, if that pain is mocked, dismissed, ignored or silenced… then the receiver has broken that sacred trust. Any further thoughts one might have in trusting this person, after this invalidation occurs, will simply be met with a resounding “BANG” in their head.  Doors are shut, mouth is sewn closed, and heart cracks become just a little more prominent.

Can these cracks be mended? I am sure they could, with the right apology, a certain amount of caring and, of course, no further damaging actions.  Is he willing to rectify these cracks? Is he willing to build up my trust in him? I don’t really see this as something he has even entertained, as of yet.  He has apologized.  He even felt bad for almost 20 minutes.  What more do I need?

It’s one thing to be dismissed by a friend, or a family member that keeps a distance. It is a whole other level of pain when that dismissal comes from the one person that supposedly knows you better than any other person on the earth.

When they do betray your heart, ignore your pain.. it is just as lethal as any poison.  Festering and killing you slowly from the inside out. Sure, you can build up a tolerance over time, but, who wants to build up a tolerance to something like that?

So, does this damaged heart start the daunting task of finding a whole new person, a person that may better understand them? I can’t do that, fear is a whole other problem in itself!

Maybe I can learn to repeatedly overlook this flaw of his. Simply, try to love my offender regardless, seeing as I have already invested so much time and know I love him. I will work diligently to not show this tender heart of mine. The heart that’s always silently cracking, beating irregular, pained, beats over and over and over again.

Can I stop owning up to the pain of this secret, inner struggle? Could I really stop giving a voice to my turmoil and eventually learn to keep mute at these times?
Could I really mirror his actions and simply learn to dismiss my pain, keep my words trite, and just live out my remaining years, comfortable and safe and in a veritable Love Coma, repeating to him… to myself… reiteratively with every beat of my aching heart, “I’m fine” “I’m fine”, “I’m fine.”

Broken-Heart-Backgrounds-Wallpaper

 

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I didn’t mean to touch.

Really I didn’t…..

I had arranged my invisibility comfortably around me and was melting into my corner. The only way you could sense me was from my radiating disquiet.

I didn’t mean to touch.

But I had been longing to…

So I brushed against him.

And the spark that leapt to my skin was a solar flare.

I stared in disbelief as it smouldered on my skin, spreading like a slow burn. I looked up and saw him looking back. He could see. He was watching me materialize, my outline flickering into being. The blue of his eyes reflecting back the flame that consumed me.

I was dry. Bone dry. It wouldn’t take much to consume me. Spreading like a wildfire.

But this was no cleansing fire. No, this was a slow, torturous glow. Its insidious tongues licked their way up my arms, up my shoulders, up my neck and spine; I had no choice but to surrender.

It had grown quiet. Or maybe it was just the crackling in my ears that drowned out all other sound. I was an inferno. A slow, contained inferno. All I could see of him was his eyes, glittering in the dark.

Transfixed.

What was I to do? I could not hold off the inevitable. I didn’t want to anymore. So I closed my eyes and gave in completely. Savoring the comfort of the embers burning between us.

Later, it was said the column of fire left an indelible mark on the ceiling. It was said the flames went everywhere at once. But all of that is mere legend.

In truth, he reached out a hand, gathered the puddle of me into his palm and tucked me safely away.

But still, I must say this:

I didn’t mean to touch.

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No Joke….

What do you get, when you put a recovering sex addict into a relationship with a person with no sex drive?   Ummmm…. you get ME!  A very frustrated, disappointed… Me.  (((sigh)))

I have complained of this before.  And I know he is well aware of my frustration.  But Oh How I WISH he would decide to do something about it!

I want to be good to him.  I want to be the best girlfriend ever…  And I usually am.  But tonight I threw a tantrum via text message all because he didn’t want to meet me at my house for a roll in the hay after work. 😦

It makes me feel so unattractive when he turns me down.  It makes me question his feelings towards me and my body.  I know I shouldn’t think that way, but the female brain is a vicious, terrible animal.  If it doesn’t have someone else to devour and shred… well, it will turn on the woman inside and devour her, thought by thought.

I know we will have a glorious weekend in a month.  But its hard to think that far ahead, especially with this raging beast of hormones roaring in my head.  (((deep sigh)))

 

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You come on like a drug, I just can’t get enough. I’m like an addict coming
at you for a little more. And there’s so much at stake, I can’t afford to wait.
I never needed anybody like this before – Garbage

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So I have alot going on right now, and I am extremely tired and very VERY stressed out.

I may be about to change career paths.  I have posted before about the “mean girl” but that does not even begin to explain the bosses at this stupid hospital.  I don’t want to get into it right now, but I don’t think I will be here much longer.  I have given my all to the L&D floor for the past year, and have not had anything but negativity come from the higher-ups.  I’m DONE 😦

On a much happier note, I get to see the Cable Guy tonight! 🙂  It is a forced date, on my part… but Hey! It’s a date! AND after 6 weeks of waiting.. I finally get sex again! 🙂

Wish me luck! 🙂

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