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Frequency

The sound is very faint, a high pitched beeping. It sounds as if the electricity has gone off and a back up computer battery is beeping its desperate, gasping, plea. It drives me crazy. I can’t even sit out in the backyard for long without my ears aching and my head starting to hurt from the pressure of the insistent beeping.

I’ve always had the ability to hear high frequencies. “Ears of a bat, Nose of a bloodhound, eyes of an eagle” my dad would say when I was a child. It is a curse not a blessing. Who in their right mind wants to hear every conversation going on around them? Who wants to smell all the smells of life, death, and everything in between? Who wants to remember every single detail of every single moment of their life?

One evening, while playing with a high powered, rechargeable, flashlight, I was overcome with a pressure in my head so intense I doubled over in pain. The frequency the flashlight was giving off was louder than any dog whistle I had ever heard. I had already heard a mouse squeaking, a small rock break free and tumble down a cliff, buzzards up above in the sky, the dog barking at a farm miles away… but the flashlight, that was different, and it hurt.

Everything electric gives of a frequency. Indoor air conditioning, old flip phones, televisions, computers, even solar panels if they are very large. One of the worst places for me to be is in a supermarket, mainly Walmart. The frequency that emits from the lights, electronics, freezers, coolers, is almost unbearable. I usually am very cross and uncomfortable and have a headache the size of… well, Walmart, by the time I finally leave.

Frequency, It’s everywhere, and now it’s invaded my safe space.

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You are my favorite place to go
You’re at the end of my favorite road
Above the rest, you’re the best, I know
Mm-hmYou are my favorite shade of rose
A flower bed on my favorite stones
I love the ground where your roots have grown
You’re my favorite placeAh-ha-ha
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Ha-ha-ha
Ha
Ha-ha-ha
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Ha-ha-ha
Ha-haYou are my favorite kind of cloth
You radiate my favorite tone
You shed a light that guides me home
To my favorite place

You are my favorite place to go

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Note to my son:

I’ve been a bad example to you in the past and not so distant past…. I have blamed days away, vocalized my frustrations and been openly mean to myself. And for that I am truly sorry. Please don’t blame the day, night, year, for what is going bad in your life. Don’t blame the night for your pain. Try to sit with the pain. Make friends with the pain. Use it to teach you and mold you. You are much too young to have my bad habits. Don’t waste your beautiful life hating the soil that you are sitting in…. you are sprouting, growing, blooming… who knows what beautiful fruit you will create in your lifetime. Don’t start out your life blaming and regretting… you are beautiful. I’m sorry I didn’t see that in myself sooner so I could raise you that way.

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Am I really as bad as she claims? Am I really a toxic, emotionally distant mother or did I move back from her… keeping a safe distance away from flinging arms and spewing accusations? Am I really a bad mother? Ive only ever done the best I knew how. I’m not a perfect mother, but I don’t remember ever being harmful.

Is she just an unreliable narrator? Is she the one making stuff up in her head? Or am I?

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I know what I’m doing is for the safety and health of my child… but I can’t help but stay in a constant state of jealousy as I watch you take your kids swimming, on vacations, to get a snow cone or ice cream… to see them play with friends, see posts about shopping at target… everything being done carefree and maskless because you aren’t letting “fear rule your life”. Well hurrah for you. Way to go. I’m so glad your mindset makes you immune to this virus.

I’m so glad your liberty isn’t being taken from you because of a piece of cloth. I’m so happy your kids are “immune” because you declare it so! Or you pray everyday so God grants you the immunity by default.

It’s because of your “freedom” and demonstration of faith and fearlessness… that I have to once again (for the third time in 20 weeks) completely self isolate, quarantine, hide away, my son and I. Yippie, thanks.

It’s because of you that my medically fragile son can’t return to physical therapy yet, the one thing he looked forward to.

It’s because of you that I sit alone on my porch, day in day out, in complete solitude.

It’s because of you I can’t see my daddy.

It’s because of you I can’t make love to my fiancé.

But, I don’t want to make you feel like your “rights” as a free American are being infringed upon by wearing a mask and not going to church or bars for just a few more weeks. God forbid you be forced to wear a mask in public. Forget thinking about others. Because your opinion is way worth more than my sons life. Right?

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My Thoughts

Woke up to more hate and confusion in this world.

So many sides yelling, screaming over each other. Drowning out the others points. One more deserate than the next.

Who do I belive?

Who is the true victim?

Who is the the Great and Powerful Oz orchestrating all of this from behind his carefully placed curtain?

I refuse to be a sheep, but I may already be one. Just being led by a different kind of wolf.

I don’t want to live in fear, but the saftey of my children and their future is enough to chill my nerve.

I have always prided myself on being able to see the “bigger Picture”, to reason that every story has two sides.

But what if that story is being distorted by both sides and the people it will harm are actually the peace seekers?

When is enough, enough? Will this all come into focus?

Or will we just be another chapter in the history books that makes our futures shake their heads.

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All they had to do was ask me if I was ok? Ask me if my son was ok? Ask if there was ANYTHING they could do to make me feel safer about returning to work… But they didn’t. Instead they mocked me on social media, they thretened my job, they froze me out.. they made me feel stupid and insane. Why would I even consider going back to a toxic workplace if all they were going to do was gaslight me and ostracize me?

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It comes on like a cold

an ache or a pain deep within.

maybe a niggle in the back of your mind,

like a tickle, but not that nice.

Or it comes on like a fever

slowly moving through your limbs

like a thunderstorm, rumbling as it moves

slowly, heavy with memories.

Then a clap of thunder

and a trorrent of tears release

sorrow, pain, thoughts, shame.

Then the all consuming darkness comes

as the slow burn of regret sets in,

a soaking heavy fog that settles in for days.

Just as the storm eases, letting you come up for air

you don’t see a rainbow or an antibiotic in the distance,

no magical cure to rid yourself of future storms.

Just a bright glaring sun that exposes all your shadows

spills your secrets and burns your tender flesh.

Leaving you raw and exhausted

never really knowing when the next storm will hit…

but fearing it could be contagious, someday.

or fatal

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For My Children

No one knows much about the violence it took for me to become this gentle.

This magical.

This full of empathy and light.

Many of us grew up, not with mothers but with abusers… users.

We are still hurt.

We are still triggered daily.

We are still healing, and it will never end.

Some of us wake up in the morning and realize the only work that matters is to be a stronger woman than we were yesterday… instead of sinking into self-induced denial.

We heal for our children and grandchildren, it’s the greatest work of our human experience, the great work of our lifetime.

I’ve done extended time in the shadows dancing with my mother’s demons, and my grandmothers, and her mothers, and so on…

I have removed my mother’s knife from my own back and used it to clear a brave new path for my children.

Tenderly putting a salve on wounds of my past so that I may be present in their futures.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do; carry myself to the light of healing, but I’ve been doing it my entire life. I am exhausted. That’s a total understatement. Holy FUCK, I am tired in my bones from this healing of generational sadness and anger.

When It gets too heavy, my child, and you feel your own self slipping… Please try to remember what sparked my healing journey… You.

It’s the endless courage and boundless love I have filled for you in that cup that is your heart, and know that healing comes in waves for us all and if all you can do today is float, that’s ok.. floating is in our journey also.

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I want you to hold me

For all the times you weren’t’ able to be there.

I love the feel of your arms

the tenderness in the way you wrap me

warm in your embrace

resting you chin atop my head

letting me cry out the pain and shame and hurt

from all those years passed

from all those moments I felt so alone

for all those times people have hurt me

crushed me

broke me

I want you to hold me

I want you to make me feel safe from traumas you weren’t even there for

I want to feel you absorb my pain and rid it from my flesh

I want you to hold me

to hold me as I grow and change and morph into

the woman I am meant to be

the strong woman you see before you is still just a

scared damaged little girl inside

I want you to hold me

and hold me tighter

for all the time you may not be there to hold me in the future

~c&f

 

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