Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Strange Days…

I wrote this in the summer of 2011.. Right after Nick and I got bac together… It still means alot to me. ūüôā


Strang Days…

For a long time I did not think I would ever be ok without you.¬† I¬†was afraid¬†my heart would walk around in my shoes for the rest of my life. I was¬†scared to touch another man for fear of bursting into a million pieces and losing myself completely. My heart burned¬†for you for many years. I yearned for you to the point of insanity. I said and did things I would never have normally done, just to feel again. The bitterness wept from my pores and into the souls of those around me. It aged me faster than time itself…..¬† and then, suddenly, like lightning, you are here….¬† Back in my life. Smiling and¬†caring for¬†me as if time, pain, circumstance and rejection had never happened.¬† I welcomed you back with open arms. I embraced the newness and the memories.¬† I was happy to taste the familiar salt of your skin on my tongue… drink your¬†awkward¬†guilt…devour your lust.. all in a matter of seconds. The bad moments covered over instantly as if they were never there.¬† Had never happened, and never been said.

Five years of suffering finally over. Faster than a blink we were lovers again! ¬†I never thought I would feel whole, now here I am. Whole but terrified.¬† Will you do it again? Will you find fault with me again?¬† I am even more tainted and tarnished than the girl you left behind!¬† This woman of regret and anguish. I am not an innocent, I am still me, but five years more bitter… stronger, harder….¬†and five years¬†wiser.¬†

To lose you, find you and then lose you again would be the end of this girlish heart of mine. Do I trust enough to try?


Read Full Post »

Dear Ruth Emmie Lang…

How did you know?  How did you crawl inside my head and pull out thoughts and feelings I had at 9 years old? How did you know exactly how I really felt about my mother?

How did you write the book that has been in MY head for all these years?  How did you know? How did we connect without ever meeting?

How did you rummage through and find my deepest darkest feelings and manage to write them down verbatim?

I really don’t know how you did it but I think I am glad you did… I think its beautiful and painful and lovely and horrid to see those words on paper for all to see… I think you are a genius… I think you may be my sister.

Read Full Post »

Writing Music

Read Full Post »



So much can happen, so many things can be healed… just by being vulnerable with the right person. ‚̧

Read Full Post »


Awakening: may refer to:

  • may refer to: Wakefulness, or the state of being conscious

She had been asleep her whole life. 42 years of walking through life with a veil over her head. ¬†She was not a zombie, she was not flat and dry in her personality… no, she was more just oblivious to the reasons behind her bizarre¬†outlook and actions.

Her awakening took place the moment she realized she was a victim of child abuse.  It happened with a swift and sudden yanking of the blindfold that had been so cleverly placed over her eyes by the one person she trusted the most, her mother.  When her mother died, the grip of the blindfold had slipped and the child within was able to come forward with indignant wrath and anger at being so hurt for so long.

The manipulation she had endured had manifested itself within the girl, to the point she just thought she was crazy, strange, unlovable, or even “not of this world”. ¬†When in reality, she was just a product of tremendous pain and broken trust.

With the removal of this “veil” of protection, this sudden glaring reality, she worked to grapple with this new reality, but everything was twisted and her view of the past, present, and even the future was twisted and warped in such a way that everyday interactions with the most generic¬†stressors… would send her reeling into herself and covering her eyes… trying to replace the veil so she could proceed to live in a somewhat normal way.

The awakening is painful and tragic in itself, so much so… that its just¬†easier to ignore what has been revealed and block reality out in favor of the hazy, soft lies.

What was once awake… is now sleeping once again.



Read Full Post »


Perception is something I have thought about a lot for the past few years. The act of perceiving… how two people can view the exact same situation in complete and totally original ways. How one sibling remembers a particular incident in childhood and the other sibling can see it as completely different.

I have often wondered what makes us see things the way we do. Is it personality and past experience? Is it chemical makeup in our brain? Is one person seeing trauma and the other person blocking it out?  How about how one views sins? Do we justify it in our brains? Or do we really not see them the same as other people?

I’ve¬†had to weigh these questions in different times of my life, jobs, school, friends, home. ¬†Critical thinking has never been a strong suit of mine, maybe because of the past child abuse I endured, Maybe because I really am not that smart but am very sensitive.

How about how one views something terrible? ¬†How can I perceive it as terrible, scary, disgusting or offensive…. but yet someone I love very much can see it as sexy, erotic or even beautiful?

what about empathy? Where does that come into play? Do I have too much empathy and this other person have too little?

I recently saw something that has shaken me to the core of my being. But in trying to cope I have had to stretch beyond my comfort level of perception.  Is what I saw.. is it worth ruining the life of someone I love dearly? Do I allow this to ruin my life when I am simply an unwitting witness? Do I lock this information away because I am helpless or did I perceive it totally wrong?

I recently read an article where a daughter and¬†to go over these same questions. The thing is, she was kept safe from the actual reality of the situation. She did not discover this crime or have to hide it away from everyone else. She was so much better off, and I wish, OH how I wish I could be her… but then again, I am also the perfect person for this discovery, I will protect the other person fiercely… but still have my own best interest at heart, and then, when the time has come… then I can move forward.

I have to compartmentalize.

I have to work through this thought pattern and make it go into perfect little cubicles ranging in order from least scary and traumatic to most awful lurking somewhere way back in the back darkest corner, not to be seen again until much, much later.

And, for now, that is how I will have to perceive this thing, in order to keep going.






Read Full Post »

When your hero falls from grace
All your fairy tales are uncovered

Myths exposed and pain magnified
The greatest pain discovered

You told me to be strong but I’m confused to see you so weak
You said to never to give up and it hurts to see you welcoming me

When your hero falls so do the stars
When your hero falls so do the stars
And so does the perception of tomorrow

Without my hero there is only me alone
To deal with my sorrow, to deal with my sorrow

Your insistence to work and your soul is not happy at all
What do you expect it to do when your hero falls
So do the stars

See I know you’re wondering how do I carry on
You want to give up you feel there’s nobody to love
But if you look around there’s so many people have been what you been
You gotta let go

you gotta be strong

When your hero falls

What am I supposed to do
When your hero falls

(When I’m looking to you yeah)
When your hero falls

(But you told me to be strong)
When your hero falls (

And to never give up
When your only hero falls

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »


art. popular since 10,000 BC

Rosemary Washington: Chapter Two

Art, books, nature, food, and the good things in life

The Life and Times of Nathan Badley...

just like Moby Dick, but shorter and less whale-oriented.

Living in Stigma

Mental illness stigma and connection with those struggling with chronic pain

Tripping Through Treacle

Stumbling Through Life with MS


‚ÄúTake me to your trees. Take me to your breakfasts, your sunsets, your bad dreams, your shoes, your nouns. Take me to your fingers.‚ÄĚ


Living with an invisible illness

Intentional Existence

Crafting the lives we want, NOW!

Courage Coaching

Helping you take that first step

Adrenal Fatigue & Hypothyroidism study

Conducted by an international team of homeopaths


A great WordPress.com site

Attila Ovari

Loving Life and Inspiring Others

Easy Peasy All-in-One Homeschool

A complete, free online Christian homeschool curriculum for your family and mine

A Slice of Bree

The blog of Bree Hoskin, a writer with a passion for pop culture and dance floors

No More Words

Writings, in categories of Misc & Other, from your friend Xavier F Smith


News You Can Use from The Writers' League of Texas

Nail Your Novel

Nail Your Novel - Writing, publishing and self-publishing advice from a bestselling ghostwriter and book doctor

Roz Morris, author

'A unique voice rising in contemporary fiction'