Posts Tagged ‘relationships’


Love is not something that always stays, no matter how hard you try to tether it, hold on to it, keep it safe, It can still slip through your fingers like sand.  Slipping slowly through these fractures of time and distance. The more you try to keep it from tumbling away… the faster it seems to flee, catching in the breeze, and disappearing into places unreachable.

This love that is leaving, is not the love that He has for me, it is, in fact  the love I have and feel for him that is slipping so surely and steadily away.

The longer he continues to place these restrictions on my heart, on my words, on me as a person, the more surly my love will slip away.  He does not mean to hurt me, he is never vicious in his dismissal. Ignorance and selfishness are his only true crimes.  His way of loving simply differs from mine. My words reach his ears in a foreign tongue that, no matter how hard he tries, he will never… quite… get.

Cracks and gaps are created by words he has said in thoughtless moments of haste.  Gorges of dark pain carve their way through my heart with every uncaring word.  Dry craters form with every dismissal, every change of subject, every day I spend in forced silence.

Pain should never be dismissed, no matter how trivial it may seem. The person that is in pain is trusting you enough to bear their secret, admit their weakness, voice their pain.  Once that admittance is out there it is the receiver’s responsibility to tenderly acknowledge that pain.

If the pain is not acknowledged, if that pain is mocked, dismissed, ignored or silenced… then the receiver has broken that sacred trust. Any further thoughts one might have in trusting this person, after this invalidation occurs, will simply be met with a resounding “BANG” in their head.  Doors are shut, mouth is sewn closed, and heart cracks become just a little more prominent.

Can these cracks be mended? I am sure they could, with the right apology, a certain amount of caring and, of course, no further damaging actions.  Is he willing to rectify these cracks? Is he willing to build up my trust in him? I don’t really see this as something he has even entertained, as of yet.  He has apologized.  He even felt bad for almost 20 minutes.  What more do I need?

It’s one thing to be dismissed by a friend, or a family member that keeps a distance. It is a whole other level of pain when that dismissal comes from the one person that supposedly knows you better than any other person on the earth.

When they do betray your heart, ignore your pain.. it is just as lethal as any poison.  Festering and killing you slowly from the inside out. Sure, you can build up a tolerance over time, but, who wants to build up a tolerance to something like that?

So, does this damaged heart start the daunting task of finding a whole new person, a person that may better understand them? I can’t do that, fear is a whole other problem in itself!

Maybe I can learn to repeatedly overlook this flaw of his. Simply, try to love my offender regardless, seeing as I have already invested so much time and know I love him. I will work diligently to not show this tender heart of mine. The heart that’s always silently cracking, beating irregular, pained, beats over and over and over again.

Can I stop owning up to the pain of this secret, inner struggle? Could I really stop giving a voice to my turmoil and eventually learn to keep mute at these times?
Could I really mirror his actions and simply learn to dismiss my pain, keep my words trite, and just live out my remaining years, comfortable and safe and in a veritable Love Coma, repeating to him… to myself… reiteratively with every beat of my aching heart, “I’m fine” “I’m fine”, “I’m fine.”




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I have kept my heart closed. From the moment you said “goodbye” until the moment you
said “hello” again.  I kept my heart closed off and safe.  Oh, I tried to love
other people. I tried to heal and move on, only to wake from dreams of you;
tears pouring down my face and my heart on fire with the longing to see you

One of the biggest arguments I had with my last boyfriend was
his accusations of me not ever being able to “open my heart, and allow myself to
love him”.

“Love me! Love Me!” He would cry… Begging me to say “I
love you” and cursing me when I wouldn’t.  But I could not feel love.
I felt nothing in my chest for that little man. He didn’t get me!  He didn’t smile at me
like I was the most beautiful woman in the room.  He didn’t laugh at all my
silly banter and play back with me. He did not love my children.   I was not happy with him.   No matter how hard I tried I was never happy with anyone else……  but you.

When will I get the nerve to tell you “I Love You?”

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For a long time I did not think I would ever be ok without you.  I was afraid my heart would walk around
in my shoes for the rest of my life.  I was scared to touch another man for fear
of bursting into a million pieces and losing myself completely.  My heart
burned for you for many years. I yearned for you to the point of insanity. I
said and did things I would never have normally done,  just to feel again.   The
bitterness wept from my pores and into the souls of those around me.   It aged me
faster than time itself…..  and then, suddenly, like lightning you are
here….  Back in my life. Smiling and caring for me as if time, pain,
circumstance and rejection had never happened.

I welcomed you back with open arms. I embraced the newness and the memories.  I was happy to taste the
familiar salt of your skin on my tongue… drink your awkward guilt…devour your
lust.. all in a matter of seconds.  The bad moments covered over instantly as if they were never there.  Had never happened, and never been said.

Five years of suffering finally over. Faster than a blink we were lovers again!  I never thought I would feel whole, now here I am. Whole but terrified.  Will you do it again?   Will you find fault with me again?  I am even more tainted and tarnished
than the girl you left behind!  This woman of regret and anguish. I am not an innocent, I am still me, but five years more bitter… stronger and harder…. and five years wiser.
To lose you, find you and then lose you again would be the end of this girlish heart of mine.  Do I trust enough
to try?

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He invited me over that first night, after having had MANY texts and Facebook conversations about the lack of sex we were having, with the simple phrase of…. “so, you want to be Friends With benefits?”  Of course I said “yes” immediately and drove the 12 minutes to his house.  I hadn’t even seen him since December of 2006… but there I was, freshly shaved and ready for some well needed sex.  We chatted for a few minutes, then without warning he leaned over and started kissing me. We immediately went to his bedroom and had some fabulous, if not a little weird and dej-a-vouish, sex.

I left feeling happy and satisfied, ready for this new chapter in my life. Ready for the man I had missed sooooo very much to be back in my life.  We saw each other a few weeks later…. then again  a few weeks later and so it began….. our every few weeks relationship.  Only, we weren’t having sex every time we saw each other.

Oh, I was ready each time. I was more than ready.  He is soooo good at knowing what I want. So good at knowing how to please me. It leaves me crac=ving more and more.  But he kept putting me off.  “I’m so tired’, “It’s too hot”, “I don’t feel like it”, I made the comment one night that I feel like the guy in this relationship.

I guess one of the things that bothers me most, is the fact that when our relationship ended 5 years ago… it was because he had chosen to date somebody else.  No, he never cheated, and I belive him on that one, but he had kissed her, and unbenounced to me… after he kissed her, he didn’t want to even hug me because he thought it would “lead me on” and he didn’t want to hurt me more.  Sweet, in a way… but not really what you want to have floating around in the back of your head when he is once again not in the “mood”.

I have asked him about it, and he has a legitimate argument that he has never had a very high libido, and that his job is very stressful and very physically demanding, which it is…. but I still want to be close to him.  Share that intimacy… be his benefit 🙂  I told him tonight that without the sex and with all the talking and time we spend together I might as well be his girlfriend instead of his Friend With benefits.. Ha!

I have invited him over in the morning for a cuddle after my night shift… he said he doesn’t wake up in the “mood”…. we shall see if he shows up, I left it up to him.  I’m not holding my breath.

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