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I will make no excuses, I know for a fact that I am a recovering sex addict.

I was really, really into my addiction in my 20’s.  During this time I was a mistress to several men, and just a casual fling to many others.  I allowed myself to be used and discarded and never really gave it much thought.  I was numb to the whole thing.  My longest relationship of my adult life was to J, an emotionally unavailable man who would take “acceptable” women out on real dates then come to my house the same night to fuck me.  I loved it, the tortuous way it made me feel to wonder if he would come to me, to hear him make fun of these “perfect” girls, the way he would go down on me while their goodnight kisses were still fresh on his lips.  It was overwhelming the sense of power it gave me.

But then J married one of them.  He chose a chubby, Italian girl with three kids.  He said she was his “perfect match”.  He said this when we were laying in bed one Sunday morning.  I cried, we said our good-byes, and that was that.  Or so I thought, two weeks later I discovered I was pregnant.

Because of the loss of that baby, and  J, I sort of went off the deep end and got even more into my need for non-emotional sex.  I would go out on weekends that my daughter was gone and go “dancing” with my girlfriends… little did they know I was sneaking out to the parking lot with various men to either fuck or suck them.  I was an unpaid whore, my payment was power. (I totally get the whole vampire thing! The feeling of power you get after draining someone of their “life”… anyways.)

After the birth of my son, the result of another very physical affair with a married man, I calmed down alot.  It was like a switch was thrown in my brain that turned me into this sad, blubbering, insecure, cow.  I was ashamed of how much weight I had gained during the pregnancy, I was unhappy with my station in life, I was exhausted…. it all happened at once.  During this time  I met the Cable Guy.

I instantly went into being a “girlfriend”.  I had never really been a tried and true girlfriend before.  I didn’t know how to be a “real” girlfriend.  I didn’t know how to act like a girlfriend.  I certainly didn’t want to mess it up, so I didn’t talk to ANY other men. I became very anti-social, very dependant on CG for my outside connections.  I was a stay-at-home mom and I had no other connection to the outside world.  He became my everything.  I did everything I could to make him happy.  I went above and beyond the call of duty to keep him.  He was patient and kind, but at times distant.  I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong.  The more he pulled away the harder I worked, until one day.. it all snapped.  He had found another.

My first impulse was to go right back into the world of addiction that I felt more comfortable in, but it was much harder to do this since I still had issues with my weight and a young baby that was so needy and very ill.  I tried to go out, I became a FWB to another emotionally distant man, and I threw myself into a relationship with a little, mean, man who would soon break me of any want for a man.

But here I am. I have made it back to me.  I have reconnected with my CG.  And I find myself once again working hard to be the very best girlfriend in the world.  But that’s just it, he is not really in need of a girlfriend.  We both want a companion from time to time, neither of us have time for a 24/7 relationship.  I am finding myself with feelings of inadequacy, of wanting to do more and more to make him happy.  But who says he’s not happy?  Certainly not him.

And I am still obsessed with sex.  I think it’s just in my head that the only way to keep CG happy is to try to prove to him how much he turns me on.  I am constantly begging for sex, talking about sex, asking about sex, looking for my next fix.  I am sure it is just resulting in pushing him further away, because he is not a sex addict.  He is not even as into sex as much as many guys, he is happy with once a month.  How do I find the happy medium and still sate my ravenous appetite?  How do I turn off my mistress mind and turn on my calm stable girlfriend brain?  How do I overcome my sex addiction and not mess up the best relationship of my life?  I am terrified that I may be a better mistress than I am a girlfriend. And if this is the case…. I fear I will never become a wife.

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