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I awoke this morning with complete control and determination.  I laid in bed, unmoving and slowly, brick by brick, built a wall around myself so strong, so impervious, that no amount of “this time last year” or “what if she was still here” would ever break through.  After 2 hours of Macy Day parade watching and distracted Tumblr scanning I suddenly found myself overwhelmed with a sense of loss, pain and grief so great I could not contain the tears.

Today is Thanksgiving.  Today is a day for Thankfulness.  Today is a day of forgiveness and love, family and comfort. Well, it’s supposed to be.

So today I am not going to punish myself. Today I am not going to punish mom. Today I am going to allow myself a moment to miss her, grieve her, love her.  Today is a day to remember the good things about my mom. The loving, caring, nurturing side of mom.  The woman that made the best dressing on earth.  The mother that made the entire Thanksgiving dinner, from scratch, by herself. Worked tirelessly to clean, cook and clean again, so we could see how much she loved us.  The woman who would orchestrate the filling and giving of food baskets that the church group took out each Thanksgiving weekend.  The woman that would sit down and play a game of Wahoo even if she was exhausted from cooking all day.  The woman who loved me, loved me better than anyone else in the family.  My mom.  I miss my mom.

No, I am not in denial. I do remember the many, many, many Thanksgivings that ended with me in tears, mom yelling, kids melting down, guilt laden accusation, squabbles, silences, chilly looks… feeling guilty for leaving daddy behind to suffer alone with her….

But I also remember the love.  I have to remember the love.  I HAVE TO REMEMBER THE LOVE.  It’s hard to explain the two sides to my grief.  The two sides to  my memories.  I am a literal mask of one side happy, one side sad… a drama mask of pain…

imagesHow in the world am I going to sit with my family at the dinner table and act normal?  I have got to start stuffing these feelings back down or I am not going to make it till tonight!  I can’t drown right now.  I have things to do, people to take care of… I can’t drown… I Can’t Drown!!

Why can’t I write a decent post on how much I love MOM?? Why can’t I sit and think of just the good and not be flooded with hurt and pain? ANGER?!?!

This is not the way this was supposed to go.  This was not the words I was supposed to say.

This is not a reprieve.  This is torture.  This is just me…  This is just how life will be for a while, I suppose.

The walking wounded… The “Poor little Robyn” that precedes me and follows me everywhere I go…

I don’t want to become a repellant.  I don’t want people to see me coming and start running the other way, running in fear that I will jabber like the Mad Hatter… crazy maniacal laughter, crazy rambling thoughts of mom… both good and bad.. all mixed into the pot that is my damaged brain… like a bad, goopy mess.

So today, I will fix the chink in my armor.  Glue it back with crazy glue, and I will function… Cause that’s all I can do, right?  That’s all I can do.

Bless you, my friends.

 

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