The Year Without My Mother……

For those of you that have followed my posts, no, my mother did not die.  Yes, she is very ill, and her days are pretty well numbered… but she has not made the physical leap to the hereafter just yet.  No, the year I am talking about is a metaphorical year.  So… on that note….

The year without my mother. 

 I have learned a lot about myself this past year.  I have learned that I am strong, resilient, independent, and most of all I am not my mother.

I had spent the last 36 years trying to please my mother.  I have worked very hard to make her proud, earn her love and praise.  I always could measure my worth by her words, sometimes those words were sharp and cutting and I would be devastated for days.  Sometimes those words were kind and loving and then all was right with the world.

I have raised my children according to “moms” opinion.  I have been single because mom doesn’t approve of any type of relationship with men, let alone non-Christian men.  I have kept my house clean based on “moms” standards.  I have cooked meals mom cooks.  I have run my life according to mom… and then one day it all started to change.

I suppose things really started changing the day mom told me she had cancer and was dying.  I was in a state of complete shock and denial.  How could she leave me? How could she do this to me? I wasn’t ready!  How was I to function on earth without my mom?  The sudden reality that came to mind was “who am I if I am not my mothers baby?”

As mom started her first round of chemo, my attitude towards her started to change.  Not for the worse or anything like that.  We remained close, but it changed in a way that I feel was almost a maturing on my part.  I became less dependant on her and started taking on the role of caregiver and supporter.  I stopped being “Mommy’s baby” in a sense and became her friend.

Not long after that I started opening up to other people in my life.  Mom was no longer the center of my universe.  I realized that she would not always be here, so it was time I had some friends that I could depend on when that loss came.  My strongest friendship has been that of the Cable Guy, and that friendship is one I treasure every day.  I have also found a renewed friendship in my dad.  He has needed me more than I ever thought he would.  I have become his greatest confidant when he is feeling depressed or tired.  He loves mom so very much!

So during this year of my maturing and growth, my poor mother has just been battling to survive.  She has put up an admirable fight with such dignity and strength.  I am so proud of her!  It has been a hard year for her, but an enlightening year for me.

I realised, while  I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner for my family, the Cable Guy and his son, just how far I have come in one year.  I have changed so much.  I have a grown up relationship with my mom, and its better than it ever has been.  I know her health is still very fragile and I realize I could lose her any day now.  However the feelings of peace I have now towards that end, helps me see that I can live without her and that I will go on to live a productive life and actually a happy life on my own.  I am not ready to lose her right this minute, but I will be ok.

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Busy,Busy, Busy :)

Will be back soon! 🙂 Hope everyone of you are doing well! 🙂 Happy Thanksgiving!

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Writers Block….

 

 

Not many people know that I am an aspiring writer.  Not many people in my everyday life, that is.

I keep it very well hidden because, well…. because basically I haven’t written anything yet. 😦

I try and I try almost everyday of my life, and all that comes out of this brain is maybe a witty comment on my Face Book status, or a stupid reply to someone elses genius.  I have several books going in my brain, and I have had several great ideas. It just seems that the moment I sit down to put pen to paper, or rather, fingers to keys… well, I go blank.  I have no confidence in my writing.  I lack depth in my characters and I defiantly have NO attention span for finishing a thought… let alone an entire book.

I find myself finishing reading a really great book and thinking to myself “I Sooooooo could have written that!”  I have wished a thousand times I had written “Water for Elephants”! I am so jealous that book did not come to MY mind!

I know I have at least one great book inside of me.  I know its in there, the question is.. how do I get it out?

Now is even the perfect time for me to be working on this book! I mean, I only work weekends, I am home all week, the kids are in school most of the day… where is my stinking brain???

It’s a mental block, writers block if you will…  Maybe that’s what my book should be about…  a girl who is trying to write while this great story is going on around her and she is so caught up in her “book” she doesn’t even notice the stuff around her… Maybe its a Biography! LOL

Or maybe… maybe I should just give up and start a book club and just pretend to use this Bachelors in English Lit?

 

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“If you can Dream it…”

“You can make it happen”

This statement comes from a questionable source, but it resounded in my head over and over after I read it.

With everything I have thought and felt these past few months, I find this to be very possibly true.  I have thought in more positive ways, and my life has become a more positive place to be.  I have basically decided my life is a pretty happy, blessed place.:)

It’s nice to be at this point! After many, many, many years of negative, depressing,  problems after problems… I have finally come to a point of stability and security in my life.  I base a lot of this feeling on the fact that the Cable Guy and I are back together.  But it also has to do with the kids being happy for the most part, and my house situation being stable finally.

I do have a few dreams though, dreams of things for the future.  Dreams that I hope continue on and happen further on down the road so that life continues to stay this stable and safe for many years to come.

Some of these dreams may seem silly and not even like a dream to many of you. But to me, these thoughts are very important to me and to my mental state.

I remember once long ago, I read something in a christian dating book.  It was about getting what you ask for.  It was mainly about finding the partner you desire, kind of a “special order” type thing.  You know, stuff like….  “write on a piece of paper things you are looking for in a partner.  Specific things such as traits (eye color, height, build, hair color…etc) but also things like personality (good sense of humor, kind, loving, laid back).”  So I did it.  I wrote these down, read it every night before I went to bed, and slept with it under my pillow.

I didn’t really think about it after a few weeks, I got side tracked by life and forgot about it.  I started dating someone, not who I wished for btw, and lost sight of my “dream”.

Then one day, almost two years and one son later, I was cleaning my room and moved my bed to the other wall.  There on the floor was the “wish list”.   On that late winter afternoon I sat in the floor of my room laughing hysterically at my list.  I was laughing, because everything I asked for in the list had seemed to show up in form of my newborn son!  I still have the list, and even the traits that were not quite as noticeable at that time are now glaringly there! HA!  (I could look at it now and compare it to the Cable Guy also, and most everything is true for him also, but at the time it was very funny to think maybe I had given birth to the man of my dreams!) LOL

Anyway, back on the track of dreaming things into reality.  I have decided this list would be a good project for me to do now.  For my future dreams.  It’s a little too personal to post on here the things I will be dreaming for, but I can tell you they all tend to go towards a happy, stable future with the CG; healthy, happy kids; and a trip to Seattle! LOL

But you know, it may seem silly, dreams and wishes…. but it’s worked so far, so why not? 🙂

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“You Worry Too Much”

This was said, mid-coitus, when I mentioned the word “monogamous”.

It all started because he saw a bruise on my left breast (from an incident at work) and asked if it was a hicky… he was joking of course, but I said “no! You know we are monogamous Friends with benefits” to which he replied with a laugh… “I never agreed to that!”

(stunned silence)

Ummmmm…. how do you react to that? Its been 8 months of bliss!  One little son being taken in by this man, as his own! Lots of talk of the “future”.   So I did what I always do, I laughed it off and said… “Ok… then YOU are the only one I want, I am the monogamous half of this duo”.  “well, You’re all I have time for anyways!” he says  and we carry on with our activities.

This was just a stab at keeping his distance, wasn’t it?  This was his attempt at keeping me from running his life.  He really is happy with me. I know this is true by the many, many things he does for me and the kids when we least expect them.  By his taking time out of his World of Warcraft (lol) schedule to spend the evening with me. (I always feel funny saying that!)  I know he probably even loves me, in the only ways he can.  I think he is right, I do worry too much.  I have got to stop!  But with the past the way it happened, and knowing he left me for another girl in the past… well, its really hard not to worry!

on a different note:

This book, “The Irresistable Henry House”, has opened my eyes to a whole new reasoning as to why the Cable Guy is the way he is!  He never attached to a female! I am the only woman EVER in his life, who has loved and accepted him for who he is, and not tried to change him!  A little daunting and over whelming when you really sit down and think about it!  but defiantly an eye opener as to how to handle the wonderful man! Makes me really, really hate his mother though. Good thing she’s already passed! Poor little boy! He deserved so much better!

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