I noticed today, that in the past few months, I have has some very strange, face-to-face, occurrences with old memories. Not necessarily good memories either. Some have come in the form of past friends that the friendship went sour for one reason or another… to similar past incidents happening to others that have reminded me of my violent marriage.
It seems that these memories have come flooding back more often, since the Cable Guy and I have become happier. Could there be a correlation between the two? Am I feeling safe enough in my heart to revisit some memories and then put them away for good? Am I just realizing the similarity because the Cable Guy would never put me through these tough, violent situations? Why now? What purpose does this serve to go back into my painful history and visit?
Let me elaborate on one particular memory that happened to slap me upside the head this morning.
A patient came into the ER at 21 weeks pregnant because her husband ran over her with his car. According to her, he was trying to get “rid” of the baby because he didn’t belive it was his. (He has two sons from his first marriage… this baby is a girl). So, what does any nice, West Texas boy do? He gets drunk and runs over his wife with his Ford Taurus. Luckily he missed her belly and the baby will be ok. The mom, on the other hand, was a complete wreck. Now she has to decide if she will go back in to that situation. Will she go to a women’s shelter and press charges? She is all alone in this town and has nowhere to turn. Who ends up consoling her and listening to her go on and on about the abuse? Yup, good ole’ me.
I had a sympathetic ear and a connection to her ,you see, my husband tried to kill my baby 17 years ago. No, he didn’t run over me with the car, albeit he would have if he had the chance! No, he didn’t use the car, but he did throw me around, hit me, punch me in the belly, kidnap me and take me to the local cemetery to stab me and leave me for dead. …….
But I digress. What I mean to say, is I too was a victim of spousal abuse. I to know the betrayal one feels when the one that vows to love you forever and ever decides he is tired of you and would really rather kill you than see you in the mornings with your glasses on. It’s a horrible realization that your husband wants to kill you, or even hurt you…. when all you wanted to do was make things perfect and happy.
I have come a very long way in my recovery. My healing has taken well over 17 years now. I have even had short periods of actual forgiveness and even timid friendship with him…. at least to the point of getting along for the “daughters sake”. It only lasted a few years, since he decided to disappear as soon as she turned 12. Then the feelings of betrayal and abandonment resurfaced with a vengeance.
17 years…. 17 years it has taken me to fully trust and love a man with my whole heart. It’s almost like I am a wild animal, finally learning to trust the timid, gentle hand that has fed me and petted me consistently. The CG has done this for me. He has treated my tender, scared heart with kid gloves…. just like it needs. I, in return, have done the same for his heart which is also bruised and scared. I really feel we are good together in so many ways.
I hope this poor mother finds that kind of love and tenderness somewhere in her future. I hope she to can heal and discover the kind of love that I have discovered. I pray she doesn’t return to this S.O.B. and end up hurt, killed or lose a child to him! But we all have to learn in this life… that’s the whole reason we are here isn’t it? To learn? I hope my hard lessons are just about over and from here on out I will learn with my CG by my side.
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Chirp and Flutter 