A Conversation in my Head….

So I posted this on Face Book last night before work:

Have you ever wanted to tell somebody something… so badly…. so badly it makes your stomach twist and your knees shaky…. so bad it hurts… but you can’t… so you just stay quiet and smile… although your heart is in pain? Oh… ya, me neither.   (((sigh)))

However all night I had trouble concentrating on my work, finally around 3:00 a.m. I sat down and wrote what I would say to the CG if he ever noticed this fb post and cornered me on it…. I imagine it would go something like this:

 Cable Guy:  “So what is it you want to say to me?”

(Long Pause)

Me:   (gathering up the courage)

“Well….

I want to say…. 

 I Love You. 

I want to say…

it’s time to stop messing with my feelings and treating this like a high school romance and realize what you have.

We have lost each other once before… and I am willing to do almost anything to not lose you again… almost. 

I just need some acknowledgement that you care, you are here for me 100%, through thick and thin… 

I need to know you are willing to work on this thing with us and not keep one foot out the door so you can bail the minute it gets hard.  I need to feel stable, feel precious to you.. not like I am just something you tolerate because you don’t want to be alone when Brock moves out.

I want to be able to tell my son that you are there for him, and belive it. I don’t want him to lose you the way Brock lost me when he was 9. 

I am your biggest fan. 

I am your best friend. 

I am the only person that has stuck by you and forgiven you and not left you and I want a little thanks and recognition of that.  I love you. 

I don’t want to move you in this instant… but I do want to be an option in you mind. 

I never feel I am funny enough, smart enough, pretty enough….   Yes… you touch me and hold me like you care, but you push me away with your words…

I want you to trust that I will never hurt you.  I want to feel safe that you will never hurt me. 

I want you to belive that you are “it” in my eyes..

you are the moon and the stars for me… and that will never change.

I felt this way when we were apart…

I still feel this way now. 

 I love you.

That is  what I want you to know…

If only I could tell you.

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Enough?

My thoughts woke me up out of a dead sleep this morning.  It was almost as if they had bubbled to the top and were in danger of drowning me.  I laid there for a few minutes, our last conversation running through my head.  Suddenly the tears started falling and the sobs became full on hysterics.  I kept feeling your words, like darts on my heart.  I have been so happy. I have been so very content with where things are right now.  With the attention you have given me.  Happy with the thoughtful things you have done, when it is so out of character for you to think of others.  I have been so happy in my own little world, this bubble of saftey.  But how much of this “relationship” is really just in my head?

You pulled away again tonight.  I should be used to it by now.  And usually I would just look the other way, giggle it off and go on.  But this time it hurt too much to let go.  The image that keeps running through my head is that of me sitting on a chair made of toothpicks.  It’s very shaky and unstable.  I am so TIRED of the damn chair made of toothpicks! I need stability under me.  I need that metal chair of confidence that we are in this together.  We are in this for keeps.  That this is not all a game!  I am almost 38 years old! I am too old for stupid games! I have too much other stuff to think about than whether or not you are going to yank this stupid toothpick chair out from under me…. again!

I see you as “IT”.  You are the one.  I love you, and I want to be with you, regardless…   But what do you want from me?

You told your sister, when we were apart, that I was the “one that got away”.  You have yet to even apologize for breaking my heart 6 years ago…  Nope, I apologized for how I reacted… but you have never said “I’m sorry” or that you’re even happy to have me back!  Enough!  Enough, enough, enough!  Enough with the high school games.  I am no longer an innocent, so don’t play me for a love sick  fool.

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Here’s Your Past, Dear….. Love, Mom

Nobody on this earth can crush me flat, faster than my mother.

She can take a simple phone call, and turn it into a trip down “bad boyfriend” lane. 😦

I shouldn’t even let it get to me, she probably wont remember it tomorrow.  I should just forget it… really.

But for her to compare the Cable Guy to that mean little Troll I dated 3 years ago…. Ugh!  Just UGH!

Now I know why she and dad went to Furrs for Thanksgiving instead of joining us at my home.  Now I know why they don’t want to come to my son’s birthday party.  Can they not see the difference between the two men?  Can they not see how happy I am with CG?  There is no comparison between the two! They are so completely different, there is no way CG would ever do the things Robert did!

Ugh! I’m sooooo angry! 😡

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